The person that you were

The person that you were

The person that you were

I have no clue where to start. I mean, you were my first love and we were so young which makes part of me question whether it was love? Yet, the conclusion will always be the same, yes it was.. In my eyes at least. I don’t remember much about us because it was almost 3 years ago, but whenever I think about us, I’m not filled with a sense of regret or hatred; instead I feel warm and at peace. I know I’m over you, I’ve known for quite some time, but I still can’t help comparing other guys to you.. My brain automatically thinks ‘well he’s not anything like ….. so he mustn’t be right for me’ and I feel like I’ve almost drilled it into myself that for some strange reason, you are the one for me. Why? Because I’ve never had the feeling that you gave me with any other person, and yes I understand that feelings differ as you mature, but I don’t know how to stop mourning how I felt when I was with you. It eats me up, because I know I’ll never feel that feeling again, and I cannot go back in time.

I thought that when you got back in contact with me a few months back, that everything would go back to how it was even though it had been 3 years. I didn’t expect much, but part of me hoped that you’d embrace me and tell me how much you’d missed us.. Yet it never truly happened. I remember the second time I’d saw you after all those years (2 months ago), we were sat in some shitty caravan and you kept getting closer to me, looking at me and asking me questions, questions which consisted of tiny details which over the years without you, I’d expected you’d forgotten. In one particular moment, you were playing with my bracelet, you looked down at it then back up to me and asked whether I was still into crystals n whether I still kept them (my bracelet had the evil eye on).. I couldn’t believe you’d remembered so I made you ask me that same question over and over again. That was one tiny moment which gave me a tiny fraction of the feeling that I used to have with you.. The next time I saw you was different, I remember leaving the house with a weird gut feeling, and having a lump in my throat the whole walk down; once I’d arrived, you were already at the door waiting for me, we went upstairs and I sat on the bed then you put your arm around me. I’m not quite sure what I was expecting, whether it was for me to feel complete again, to feel so very loved by you again or for things to go back to the way that they were; but I felt absolutely nothing other than a wave of anxiety. Over the week or so that we’d been back in contact, I had fully convinced myself that everything was going to go back to how it was with you, I had convinced myself that I’d feel the tenderness of your love again.. I fully regret convincing myself. After about 10 minutes or so, you tried putting your hands down my pants, something I definitely hadn’t expected as when we were together, you knew I hated it and never would’ve thought about doing that. It came as a massive shock, like reality had. finally hit me. I pulled your hand away in hopes that you’d remember that I hated that stuff, which you did thankfully, then I tried to relax and searched for the feeling that I had so dearly missed. After about an hour or two, it was getting late so I knew I had to go soon, as I was getting ready to go, you kissed me, something for the past 3 years I had been begging and praying for every night. However, when you kissed me.. I felt nothing. Absolutely nothing at all. Once I’d left, I walked home and went very silently up to my bedroom where my mum came and asked about how things went etc (she still loves you so much). I burst into tears, telling her how all I wanted was that feeling of tenderness and safety, but I felt nothing. That whole night I blamed it on myself, and hated myself for feeling nothing. I truly thought that there was something wrong with me. 

A few weeks later, I was with your friend at his house (he liked me and I liked him too however it was very brief), and you were at your ex girlfriends house with your friends taking drugs or whatever; you started blowing up my phone with message after message explaining how you’re always gonna care about me no matter what, how you’re never going to leave and how you could never ever hate me because of the special times we shared together etc etc.. That night once I’d got home, I couldn’t sleep because you’d said all the things I’d wanted to hear during your 3 year absence… But again I felt nothing. I still eat myself up about it because I want to feel something, but I can’t. Maybe it’s for the best though, as you seem to ping from girl to girl daily.

It’s been 2 or 3 months now that we’ve been in contact, and you still haven’t left. I haven’t seen you for a while, but maybe you’ve also reached the same conclusion as me. It’ll never be the same 

Before I finish, I want you to know that I’ve kept the photos we took those 2 nights on my phone, I even had it on my phone lock screen for a while, and I found it funny how without realising it at the time, one photo we took together was the exact same pose as a photo of us from 3 years ago. 

I still mourn what we had, I don’t think that I’ll ever be able to get over those incredible times we shared together, and I hope that you think fondly of me as well.

We’ve both changed as people, and I know that we’ll never be those 13 year old kids again. I accept that but it doesn’t stop me from missing it, and missing the person that you were.


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