I’ve been up and down lately. Mostly things have been down.

I try to deal with all of this the same way I tried to learn how to kiss a girl: YouTube. All these “self-help” videos seem to promote the same message: “Focus on what makes you happy.”

Between the break-up and now, I’ve been trying to force my focus into my music, or pushing myself out into the world. Every time I hang out with friends nowadays, I try to be one of the last people to leave, because the hardest part of all of this is knowing I don’t have you laying in my bed beside me.

And as I sit here under the covers, typing this letter away, I realize now that you had become a part of who I was, and that the only times I truly felt happy was when I knew you were always by my side. But that’s why we broke up, isn’t it? Because near the end of it, we both felt that we couldn’t be the people we wanted to be for each other. That we couldn’t truly support each other without compromising our own values.

I never realized that moving on from what we had means killing a large part of who I am. And that is the memories of who we were.

So, this is how it starts:

Peanut,

You will always be my first kiss; the first girl I ever went on vacation with (even if it was to Wisconsin Dells); the first girl I had sex with; my first love.

We did share so many great memories. From talking until 3am for the first month we dated, to having dinner with your family; from all of the pep band trips, to all of the weekends I slept over during college. I could go on and on, but this isn’t about how great we were. This is about how it all went wrong.

I know I wasn’t the perfect boyfriend, and I know I could have done more for you had my family situation been different. But no matter how much I tried for you, it wasn’t enough.

You had every reason to leave. I’ve known it for a while and despite that you still stayed with me. It was only a matter of time before it was too much for you to handle.

A big reason you said we had issues was because I was seemingly unwilling to compromise for the sake of our relationship. But the fact of the matter is, I did have my fair share of compromising.

Before you, I was just starting to find God. But when we started dating, I lost that connection, and instead of putting my identity in Christ, I put it in our relationship. I lied straight to my family’s face multiple times a summer ago just so I could see you, and it pushed me further and further away from them. I became someone that I couldn’t recognize anymore.

And that’s when I started to push back. The fights began when I started to try and find myself again. Maybe that’s why, even though a part of me still loves you, I didn’t beg you to change your mind when you came to the decision that you wanted to break up.

I wanted you to love me despite all my faults; despite my controlling, strict, dysfunctional, and loving family. I wanted you to love me through it all. Because I know that I truly did for you, inside and out.

“Don’t let me go,” you would whisper to me as you cried into my chest after a fight. You made me promise. It hurts you couldn’t make the same promise for me.

I don’t know if this is a problem you are or have dealt with, but to this day, every little thing can trigger a memory of us, giving me the urge to shoot you a text or try calling you and beg you to take me back. But these memories are just dead branches of a past life that need to be pruned. It’s finally time to focus on growing into the beautiful trees we were meant to become. (See? I told you since day one I was cheesy)

All of my love