You know that feeling when dawn breaks and your watching the sun rise after pulling an all nighter with your friends?
…
Your exhausted, but in that moment everything is calm. The world is just right. And any moment now after the high of it all washes away. You will be passed out on your friends smelly old couch. That was our relationship.
…
So why the tittle right?
Okay confession time.

#1 i lied. I never got straight A’s in school or even did any form of cheer or sports.
#2 i actually had just fucked three guys between those four months before we even met. The first night we hooked up I lied and said it was 1.
#3 when i told you i loved you the first time. It was an accident. I fell in love with you a few months later.
#4 i did cheat on you. Like a lot. Even if you were cheating on me too. Still i shouldn’t have been such a coward.
#5 i lied when i told you i hated you.
It was me i hated.
…
Now if you wanna walk away. Turn off your phone. Spit on me with disgust i understand. But lets make one thing clear here. I may have been a slut. But i was a slut from the beginning.
I was sexually active sense i was seven years old. And i know what your thinking. Who is this bitch i had my first kid with? Well it wasn’t all just guys either.
Sex has always been the skeleton in my closet. Not many people know but i am not shameful of myself. No. I am ashamed i lied about who i was and how i am. I like sex. I like fuckery and i like to feel special and be cuddled too. If i was a guy I’d be a fuck-boy i am sure.
…
But this isn’t about me. No this is about you and us…about the smelly couch you pass out on. The sun shine that gleams threw the cold misty morning. The high that was us.
…

Now its the confessions of what YOU did to me. (In my eyes you see.)
#1 you were stealing my money to buy drugs and lying to me about it. Even tho i can see the transactions on my bank account.
#2 you fucked around with B107 The girl named by the other guys who messed with her by her room number.
#3 you hit me and id hit you back just as hard when things got physical.
#4 You drank and drove around with our daughter. Lied about doing drugs and lied about well everything.
#5 and this is the worst…you still have me falling for you even after it all.
…
Our relationship was all drugs and sex. I loved the times we pop molly and LSD fuck all day and then go out and get some food. I loved the times we shared being high together smoking blunts off bridges and talking about the what ifs of life. And the sober moments when i was pregnant. The times you’d get up at 3am, when you just got home at 6pm after working 12 hours, you’d make me breakfast or wake me up so we can share just 2 hours. I miss how i would hold your hand when i started getting panic attacks in the car. How warm and strong it was. I see your eyes when you saw your daughter for the first time. How you spent the hole 3 days in the hospital with me passed out on that annoying love seat cuz you didn’t wanna stay at the hotel or my moms. The way you would look at me. Like i was everything. . . then the way you looked at me when i destroyed it all. The hate the disgust the reason why you gave up and i watched your soul die inside. How i fed your demons and how you fed mine. The feeling of your hands grabbing my shoulders slamming me into walls. The blurring memories of painful screams. Crying…so much crying.
…
When you make a man fall on his knees begging you to take him back after all the hell you both put each other threw. He is open he is submitting to you. The hollowness in his eyes. I broke you. I broke you into something worse then me. And for that i am sorry.
…
Now i can’t forgive myself. Nor can i forget what happened. All i can do is let it go. I don’t know what tomorrow will bring. But i want that sunrise to come once more. The sun that breaks the clouds fights away the darkness of my never ending night. And may god save my soul. For i know i have nothing left to prey for. Prey for me. As i prey for you. But now we are just strangers in a crowd full of hearts. Begging and aching for sleep.
…
And when it’s all said and done.
I was the only one who should have said I am sorry.

Good bye.
Your x