J, 

Normally when someone is on the receiving end of something like “I love you” it should be something sweet and a joy to hear. However you took away any satisfaction a person could have from hearing those 3 words. Feels so empty and like dead air. It actually bothers me every time you say it because it reminds me how you think I am not good enough for you and how I am not someone you could ever love because I lack what is fundamentally the most important thing to you.  

I’ve always been supportive and listened to you and issues with ex, tried to help you with Om’s issues with school, supported your business ideas, tried to learn about Hare Krishna because it was important to you so it was important to me to find out more, been respectful of your time with children and helping you find activities with them, ate more vegan when around you to make it easier, tried to read up on dating single dads so we wouldn’t mess things up too much with the kids…. but did you ever appreciate it?  I wonder how can you dare judge and criticize me so quickly when I have always tried to be in your corner?  It felt like I was the one doing all the adapting in the relationship.  Healthy relationships are not one-sided.

It does not make me feel appreciated when I am being judged so quickly and conclusions are drawn about me.  I just feel like I’m never given the benefit of the doubt by you. This has happened several times before with you and it’s hurtful to feel like the person your supposed to be in a relationship with always finds it easy to think the worse of you. You don’t know me. You don’t know what I’ve been through. You don’t know my soul. And you can sit there and judge me – judge me when I’ve always tried to be there for you. 

I’ve been in situations before where someone tried to purposely hurt me, knew what they were doing and it completely gutted me. Since that experience I promised myself to follow my instincts more and never put myself in that situation again. And then you did what you did and I felt so foolish again. I thought maybe you were going to be someone different but I was mistaken.

When you care about someone you simply don’t play games like that. Instead you treat them with decency and the way you would like to be treated.  When someone is a father to boys I think they have a particular responsibility to guide them to be honourable individuals who know how to be respectful of women. Is this what you plan to teach them that it’s fine to insult the women in their life?

I don’t want to be in a relationship with someone where I feel like I have to defend my character and be on guard.    It shouldn’t be a constant battle of you second guessing me and then it resulting in me doubting your intentions.  I don’t want to have to prove anything.  I want the person I am with to just know in their bones that I am not a horrible person. I shouldn’t have to feel like I need to convince you. You should just know.  You should just feel in your gut that I am not purposely trying to wrong you or your kids. It’s not what I want for a sustaining relationship and is one of the things that hurts the most to be put in the position. 

For me I am looking for something different in a relationship.  I think it’s important to have a strong relationship with your partner irregardless of children and also especially because one of the people has children.  In your heart I’m not who your looking for and that is completely fine.  It’s not the breaking up that bothered me, it’s how you deliberately did it without any regard for how it would make me feel. Then you saying everything is fine and you have no issue now. Well what about my feelings? When are they going to start mattering?

Looking back I think you should of been completely honest to begin with when you made your profile on Tinder with what you were looking for.  Because then you would of met someone who fit that specific description. You wouldn’t of needed to waste your time talking to me, nor did I with you.  

Your expectations of someone after just casually dating for a couple months would scare anymore and especially when you’re telling your kids I am only your friend. Expecting someone to instantly bond and form a connection with someone else’s children is unrealistic. All I ever tried to be was myself. I didn’t know you were judging me to fit a particular stereotype. I realize the children are part of your life.  But while we were together why couldn’t I just be myself with them? Why was that not enough when your kids barely knew me?

As with any new relationship, it takes time to develop but love and affection needs to come naturally I think.  Just like you and me were just starting to know each other, if I had a relationship with your kids in the future it needed time and space to grow on its own without any pressure from you or anyone. 

It was relayed to me in multiple times we were taking things slow and day by day as we were just starting to date, so we have never pushed having a deep conversation about each of our expectations. It was even made clear that I shouldn’t care about your ex wife in your life and that it shouldn’t matter.  So then it puzzles me suddenly being told I’m not a mothering figure.  I just feel I am being judged for something I have never tried to be because we have never had that type of conversation.  It’s unfair and I feel that if you are going to go down that route and assess me like that then we should of had a heart to heart long ago.  Again it comes down to respect for the other person.

And what is wrong with letting things happen naturally and letting them figure out what kind of relationship they want with me? And likewise, why couldn’t I in the future establish my own kind of relationship with them without any pre-conceived notions? It doesn’t mean I lack a good connection with them.  It just means we have determined our own bond. 

I would of been there to support you in your role as a dad and still care for your kids with an open heart. However I am not their mom.  They have one and I would never want to confuse them or make your ex upset.  It just feels even though you want things slow you still like rushing to find another person to feel this void you think they have.  But I had rather build trust and consistency with them.  That is where we differ.  I would of shown them understanding and would be there for them if they ever wanted someone to listen to them and protect their little hearts but I cannot be expected to fill a void.

I was thinking about you in never wanting to rush these kind of topics.  I figured one day when your ready we will talk about this stuff and you would give me the opportunity to express how I felt openly.  I just never thought you would tell me how I am feeling without asking me.  It’s hurtful you come to all these conclusions and not once during that conversation did you ask me what I was thinking or feeling because it apparently didn’t matter my feelings. 

Again if we had had a talk about all of this beforehand you would of known where I stood and I would of known this is a deal breaker for you. Thus we wouldn’t of wasted time together and you could find someone that meets your actual needs.

It just makes me feel that when someone instantly does this that they are not supportive.  And it’s important for me to find a partner that treats me with integrity and that I can count on.  I don’t feel like you would have my back in good times and bad in the future if you easily react this way already.  It also makes it difficult for me to trust and open up about myself when I feel the person I’m with  wouldn’t be in my corner and already has pre-judged me.  I want someone reliable who has faith in me and that I can count on. I don’t need someone that easily turns their back on me.  

You say you do this all the time to women – purposely push them away and are rude about it just because you think they can’t handle their feelings being hurt. Then why should I get back together if you are going to continue to do this to me? Why would I want to put myself through something like this again and again?  You mention I should never be a psychic because I can’t predict future, however don’t you think if I can prevent a repeat situation I would naturally want to?  

It’s ironic you just do this with women. It seems like you clearly have a problem with seeing them and respecting them as strong, independent people who can think and feel for themselves.  Let people feel what they want to feel and think for themselves. If there’s pain, let them have it and own it – don’t take what is there’s away from them and think your doing a good thing.

There was no respect as a foundation. There is no such thing as a relationship if you can’t even have the basic ingredient of respect. 

If you don’t respect someone, you don’t value them.

If you don’t value them you would never give them the benefit of the doubt.

If you never give them the benefit of the doubt you will never trust their intentions.

If you never trust them you will never be supportive.

If you are not supportive as a partner you will never be caring.

If you are not caring you will never have compassion for their feelings.

I feel like your idea of what love or commitment is is completely different then mine.

I know you want me to trust that you are an honest person. If that is so then weren’t you honest in August?  I may not be good enough for you because I don’t have children and am not a mom but I am to the right person and I know I’m worth it and enough for someone else out there. 

There was a time in my life where I once had to end a pregnancy. It’s something I never had told you about as it’s not an easy topic for me. However hearing what you said in August, those words you said… just tore me. It hurt to hear what you really thought. I was upset that I put myself in a situation where I met someone who could so easily intentionally do that to try to break my spirit and I felt so stupid and humiliated when I heard it that I was blinded to your true feelings on a subject I find quite sensitive.  

Me not being a mother doesn’t mean I’m not capable of loving children and forming lasting connections. 

Me not being a mother doesn’t mean I don’t have guts. Having an abortion and going through that experience was not easy. You have no idea what I went through. I know what it takes to have guts. 

Me not being a mother doesn’t mean I’m not a real woman. I don’t need to biologically give birth to be considered a real woman. The role of motherhood doesn’t define who I am or any other woman for that matter. There is more to us that completes us as a person.

Me not being a mother doesn’t mean I never want to be a parent like you said – nor does having an abortion mean I don’t want children. You don’t know me or have the right to tell me what I want in life. 

Me not being a mother doesn’t mean I’m not capable of having someone love me in the future. There is someone out there that will love me irregardless of giving birth to children or being mothering to someone else’s children. That’s what unconditional love is.

So don’t tell me I am pretending to be offended or that I am overly sensitive. I’m not going to change who I am to be with someone. Being valued and respected is not an optional thing, it’s a requirement for me in a relationship.  

V