Dear A,

I’m not really sure if I love you anymore but I chose to love you with all my heart.  I messed up I know but I’m only human.  I didn’t mean to hurt you when my PTSD got triggered with my parents’ abuse again and I was on adderall.  I was on “survival” mode, and I’m so sorry that you became a victim of my demise. I’m sorry I posted a stupid TikTok video of my childhood trauma but that’s what helped me realize how much I haven’t experienced about healthy relationships and having a healthy family. I was hoping that you didn’t turn bitter after the experience and to grow as a person but instead you became selfish, bitter, and insecure.  You disrespected my boundaries and you never said anything about your boundaries.  You were testing me, and you were stubborn.  You thought that things would just go back the way that they were but it takes work.  I did the work, I went to therapy, and I lived on my own still with a stable job and my own place.  You stayed at your parents and bitched about work and school and how busy you are with everything.  When I asked you about being busy, you said that it’s because you were just sharing about your day, but I was calling you  out.  I hate that after you dumped me on New Year’s Eve and took advantage of the situation for 2 weeks with me, I still want you back.  I’m sorry for not hearing you out, but I’m also going to call you out for your bullshit. You have a hard time taking criticism, and that’s ok.  I see why the way you are now and why you always go back to comfortability because you’re not used to being uncomfortable. I think you’re a people pleaser like me, but I’m not like that anymore and I really did just grow up.  I’m always going to be nice and friendly to everyone, and help anyone out along the way. I know I’m going to make mistakes along the way but at least I can apologize for them and acknowledge them.  

I still love you and wish you back in my life but if you ever do, I hope that you grow up to be a better person for yourself, to give more love out there, have understanding and patience, and just be more giving. Thank you for showing me that I can be vulnerable with love and sex again because I didn’t realize I could be vulnerable again with someone and being alright with getting hurt again after giving it my all.  I get to choose who my family is now because your family taught me that blood doesn’t have to be my actual family, and that I don’t need to be in that toxicity that I finally got the courage to cut them off my life.   For now, I’m going to keep facing my fears and keep testing myself to get better as a whole for whoever my family will be. If we ever find each other again in the future and I really hope we do, I promise I’ll never give up on giving the love that you deserve because I still love you and would love to be a part of your family.  I love you and always will because you really changed my life.

Sincerely,
J (Hug bug)