Ma Libellule,

I hope the girl in the black car is making you happy. Katy, right? Yes, I know about her. I knew about her the moment you signed on to Facebook to accept her friend request. She was easy to find even though you’d hidden the notification. Convenient that you never changed your relationship status there, isn’t it? I’m trying to find the strength to delete you as a “friend” there because, well… I want you to see what’s going on in my life. And not so secretly see if you’d care…or even notice.

I guess you don’t though. Really. Who’s to say when you stopped? Why did you leave me hanging for a month without just talking things out? If you’d given me a chance to say my peace, things may have turned out differently. Or, quite possibly they would have not. I do know I would have started my healing process a lot sooner than I did…and I didn’t think it would affect me so hard when you finally confirmed that we were over.

My grief was inconceivable. Paralyzing. I had panic attacks in public, where I couldn’t breathe. I cried myself to sleep every night for 3 weeks. I couldn’t eat…I could only drink coffee and smoke. I simply was unable to believe it was really, truly OVER. That the person I loved, and who I truly thought loved me still, never wanted to see my face again. That I would never again see those gorgeous eyes of yours look lovingly into mine in that way that always made my heart skip a beat…even after almost 2 years.

I hate how angry you were at me after. It devastated me that you couldn’t find forgiveness. I have forgiven myself for being a human and being angry at X and the situation. I hate that you’ve thrown me out of your life that I was so deeply in twined in. I miss the boys, even X…but especially E. My buddy.

I saw her, you know. I almost actually ran into her…she was so focused on her phone she didn’t even see me. She must surely know about me, and may have even creeped my FB profile. She would have never recognized me…hell, if you’d been with her, you probably wouldn’t have either. She’s not what I expected. She’s the polar opposite. I don’t know if you’re trying to exorcize J’s ghost or mine being with her…and I’ll never know. I’m smaller than her now. It’s a shame…I’m finally in the shape I wanted to be when we were together. We got too comfortable, and stopped trying for each other. I will always think you were sexy as hell, even with your belly. I never told you often enough how you drove me mad with your kisses or your hands on my skin. You always made me feel safe and loved when you held me…which nearing the end wasn’t often enough for me. I stopped trying too…for no good reason other than I was exhausted by my new job and my new hours that were kicking my ass.

R. I’m so sorry. I wish you’d have tried harder. I wish I’d tried harder. I still miss you every day. I miss your smile, your laugh…your stories. I miss spending time with you and the boys, as challenging as they were at times, I really loved them and looked forward to watching them grow into themselves. Now, I’ll never have that chance. Someone else will.

At the end of the day, although you claim you can make it with anyone… The only one I wanted it to be was me…and the only one you didn’t want to make it work with was me.

You’ve broken me for life. I’ll never be the same. And although I’ll never stop loving you, I’ll always hate you for that. I’ll always remember.

Love you always,
B.