The point is that for the few months you were in my life, you saved me. You never knew it, but you did. That broken little heart of mine fell for you the moment your named popped up on my phone minutes after the breakup. It’s almost as if you knew.. Like you’d had a feeling I had just got my heart ripped out of my chest, and you were there to save me.
What seemed like nothing at the time resulted in the ability to mend my heart. Most importantly, you reminded me how to smile during what should have been the darkest days of my life. But you saved me from that, with your dark eyes, sense of humor and enlightening snapchats. Your texts made my heart so warm.
I don’t know where it all went wrong, or if it ever really went right, now that I look back on it all. But somehow we always found our way back to each other, no matter how far we may have strayed. We let each other in with open arms, knowing we were probably the worst two people on the face of the earth to be together – or be “kind of” together.
However, as every story goes, something changed in what felt like an instant: Your texts became less frequent, your job suddenly became too busy for a texting conversation, and emojis were too much effort. I still wonder sometimes what I could have done to stop it from spiraling downhill but, the truth is, it had nothing to do with me.
By refusing to label our relationship, you were free to do as you pleased, and I wouldn’t be justified in getting angry or hurt by any of it. I didn’t even care, though, because I became addicted to your company. You weren’t worried about me; you knew I wasn’t going anywhere. The label, or lack thereof, also made you think it was okay to cut off all communication with me for days when you decided it wasn’t what you wanted anymore, as if that constituted a break-up in our situation. Well let me tell you something: it didn’t. I deserved better, and we both know that.
I cared, a lot. I listened and supported you whenever you had problems or bad days. I always made sure I was doing everything I could to make you feel wanted and appreciated. I put so much effort into what I thought was a future. It was more than enough, but it wasn’t what you wanted.
But I guess it worked out for the best.
Relationships aren’t supposed to be complicated. Healthy relationships aren’t supposed to make me cry myself to sleep at night and make me wait around all day for a text or phone call, or make my heart drop every time my phone went off, hoping and praying it was you. You kept me on my toes, and I know you know – you had me wrapped around your finger.
It’s clear we aren’t what we need, but we have been through so much, it almost seems like we are an extension of one another. There were some moments I didn’t think I could function without you. There were things I encountered in life, and it would have been nice to have your arms wrapped around me, knowing I wasn’t facing it alone. But then there were the moments, where I did face it alone, and I needed you and you weren’t there. We know one another in a way no one does. We have a past full of regret, and the only good that came out of it was each other.
There is something quite inviting about a vile poison you wonder will kill you or not. There is something enticing about danger and taking chances and playing with fire, hoping you don’t get burned. But we burn each other so deeply, it’s something that doesn’t even hurt anymore.
I want you to know a few things. I wanted us to work. I wanted us to come out on top, with hopes of telling everyone they were wrong about us. I wanted us to come out together of that vortex we each created, sucking one another in and spitting each of us out. I wanted us to make it.
There is no denying love might be there, hidden beneath the ashes of the chaos we created. But I couldn’t keep waiting with false hope that we would have made it out of that. I’m not one to ever give up on people. I know you know that is true about me. But I couldn’t keep letting you in and out of my life always leaving me with questions of where we stood. We got along one second and were screaming at each other the next.
Regardless of all of this, I want you to know how much I did love you. I want you to know, had there been reason for me to believe we could have made it, I would have stuck it out. But it was an unhealthy cycle that needed to be stopped. I know I’ll get my fairytale, and it’s a tough pill to swallow it probably won’t be with you.
You can only hurt people so much before they are left with no other choice but to walk away.
So I’m walking away with a heavy heart, full of tears and saying goodbye to you. I need you to let me go, and I need to let you go. I need you to let me learn how to grow without you. I need you to not chase me. Because I know I am not strong enough to not turn back around. So let me go. When I give in and reach out to you, ignore it. I am only human, I will have moments of weakness.
And as I walk away, I’ll walk with a confidence that if we are meant to be, we will be. One day, I might look back on what we had and call you “the one who got away.” So until then if I see you down the road, please only be there if this almost thing is something of the past. Please only stop me, if you can love me the way I deserve.
I loved you. Sadly, though, loving someone doesn’t always mean the feelings will be reciprocated.
And although it wasn’t a relationship, you were almost everything I needed.