This will be my last letter to you. Its been 9 months since we broke up and also since we last spoke. I miss you and I miss us but I’m starting to see (at last) why I’ve had such a hard time letting go. Even though I told you it’s over, I still wished we could be together – for 9 months I have wished that.
And now I know why. I know why I still wanted to hold your hand and kiss your lips. I know why I remember every lovely moment and why I wish I could rewind and pause. Obviously its because I love you. But thats not the point. The thing is deep down, you see, there’s this fear that I will never feel that way again. That this loneliness will consume me. The truth is, though, in our 5 years together I think we had 2 years maximum (in total) that we were truly happy. The rest of the time we were just holding on to what was already long gone.
Even after we broke up, thats what I’ve been doing: holding on to something we lost a long long time ago. I was holding on to nothingness. Holding on to a you and me who no longer exist. Holding on to, well I guess a fantasy. You see besides the fact that we remember the good times after a breakup we remember things how they used to be. Not realizing that no matter what it could never be like that again. We have changed our circumstances have changed our hopes and our ambitions have changed. And silly me even though most of our relationship was less than wonderful I was still holding on to the memories for dear life. Afraid I’d never have amazing times like that again.
And then it hit me. I won’t have times like that again. But I will have new ones. With a new man – without any baggage that clouds the wonderful times we will have together. I will have butterflies again. I will have a first kiss with him. We will have inside jokes. We will have a relationship that hasn’t been broken for a long long time. I will be truly happy and maybe I’ll even marry him – who knows.
And don’t get me wrong I love you and you will always have a special place in my heart. But don’t you see? Both of us now have a chance at being truly happy! You with a girl who is perfect for you. And myself with a guy that is perfect for me.
But the thing is until I let you go – completely. The thoughts and dreams of you and of us. The imaginary world that is playing in my head. Until I put that behind me I might miss him. I might be so caught up in what has been that I miss that which could be!
Don’t you see? This is our chance at love. At real tummy turning, head over heals, true love. And I’m sorry it couldnt be us. I’m sorry I held on so long thinking we could have that. But we weren’t meant for one another. And I am so thankful that finally I can see that. Finally I see the light.
So this is me, letting go of all the memories. Letting go of all the tears. Letting go of all the fights. Letting go of all the years we spent together. Letting go of you.
All my love
The girl who is finally moving on