We’ve been financially broke together and traveling for years. We caught each other after we dropped out of college and struggled to find jobs to eat. We’ve seen so many wonderful sights. The most beautiful places I have ever been in my life I spent there, in love with you. Now I’m terrified those places will be haunted by my memory of us.
It is humiliating and debilitating how painful this breakup is. When a friend of mine hears about our breakup, they tell me how much they liked you. I wish they wouldn’t. I spend my time locked away in my room, bargaining with myself for a second chance. I replay and regret my mishaps, hate you for yours, and then feel so much shame I sob. When I go out, it’s so miserable to see our mutual friends. I only have friends of yours here, because this is YOUR hometown.
We are still living together for a short time. From your room I can hear you laughing, you go out often and don’t come home. The other night you brought someone home and I could hear you fucking through the walls. I absolutely wanted to die. I’ve never known a feeling of dread so deep it was like the wind was knocked from me. How could you do that to me? When I am at my most vulnerable and you knew and you twisted your knife and salted my wound? I never thought you were capable of such cruelty to someone you love.The sex was so cruel and loud and hot that I doubt you ever loved me. Even writing that gives me guilt and shame for expressing it. But sometimes I do doubt it.
I’m thankful for all the sharing, the talents we encouraged in each other, the solace in finding another outcast in a harsh world. I just don’t know where it went wrong. I can’t remember. I started noticing when you wouldn’t look at me when I entered a room. Slowly, over years, I became someone I don’t want to be. I would beg you to love me in subtle ways. I would clean your messes and work and plan our life together and save all our money and take care of you and expect the absolute minimum from you in return. As long as you’d tell me you loved me. I played myself for a fool. That is my fault. But I never thought you could be so cruel to me. We were best friends for 5 years. Now, I understand that I need to be my own best friend for a long time. It’s immense effort, but I can do it, and I have a plan. I’m done doing your mental, emotional, and physical work for you. I hope the separation isn’t too hard when it finally hits you. I hurts because I still love you.
Good luck, and take it easy- Birdie