Letter to the one I’ll never have

Letter to the one I’ll never have

Letter to the one I’ll never have

Dear lost love,

Today marks exactly two years since we last spoke to each other.  Precisely 730 days ago, I broke your heart. Neither did I tell you why, and nor did you ever ask. And if I’m being brutally honest, I haven’t been at peace even for a day in the last 2 years without my brain constantly bringing in your thoughts. Every smell, every place, every memory associated with you brings back so much pain. And as disquieting as it sounds, I’d rather live through this pain than let you go wholly. 
Deciding to call off my relationship with you was one the most arduous decisions I have ever made. You`ve always relentlessly managed to remind me of what it feels like to be so hysterically in love that all the affliction and suffering in the world felt a little less chaotic with you near me and that’s without you ever making an effort. In the short time that I have loved you, you have taught me that the love I deserve is beyond what I can comprehend and thank you for that.

Every time that I hear about two people so unerring for each other deciding to call things off, I feel this part of my heart aching. I have a tornado of emotions every time I hear someone utter your name. And Every other time that I think about love, I have these erratic thoughts that come rushing back to me giving me flashbacks of all the good times we’ve had in the past simply blaze across my mind. I recall the first ever time that we saw each other and how my heart skipped a beat. I clearly remember your blue shirt with white doves all over them when I first laid my eyes on you. It still gives me the feels when I think about the first Time I had butterflies in my belly just by conversing with you. I reminisce about your first touch, our first” I love you”. I’ll never forget our first fight or our first make up post our first breakup. I hark back to the time when I was so happy to be in love with you and the times when being with you was the most heavenly feeling I had ever come across. I whine at the thought of our first goodbye. I can still feel the warmth from our final hug. I will never forget your last words to me. I hate to look back on your tears. I think about how much I miss the essence of your existence in my life. I have tears yet again every time I think about our final goodbye. I can, till date endure the heartbreak that was followed by the heartache. Nevertheless, I recommence to have those endless sleepless night, the 3am outbursts, the sadness, the pain and the agony. And darling if you’ve been through it all you’ve to know this makes the two of us.
LOVE. A lucid yet dynamic four letter word that has the power to make or break hearts. A word used to describe the highest threshold of all good feelings involved. A word that we come across on a daily basis and something most people have experienced or is experiencing as well. Then again, it’s not every day we understand what it actually means.
When I think about the love you bestowed upon me I acknowledge the fact that nobody will ever love me as much you ever did. And as I have come to think of it, your love frightened me. I have more often than always felt as if you give in too much of your love that maybe somewhere deep down you may not have any left for yourself. There have been times when I felt as if you have exhausted all of your love and now there`s nothing left to go about it. Its cost me a breakup to realize that the only thing stopping me from limiting myself of the love I deserve is ME. The constant ringing in my head about what if I am not what you deserve, about what if everything I had to give you wouldn’t suffice was always making me feel like I ought to do more for you. And these thoughts have haunted me the longest time while we were together. This wasn’t because I was scared to commit to you entirely or even love you more than I possibly could. For what it’s worth, loosing you has taught me that I am a fierce lover, and that basically implies that I wasn’t ever really scared of your love, in fact I was scared of the hurt that was entitled to it.

We fit perfectly in so many ways and yet we differed in so many other aspects. Your imperfections were never imperfect to me. You’ve invariably been the best version of the person I have always wanted to become. Never have I met anyone with so much compassion, kindness and selflessness. You taught me that not all beautiful things have to be perfect and that not all love stories eternal. You taught me that love and pain can coexist. Love, you have to know that no matter how many people will walk into or out of my life, nobody will ever be you. You have touched my soul in depths I cannot begin to elucidate.  I know that this is on me, but I also know that come what may but you will without fail be a part of me no matter how hard I try to rip you off from me. You have to know that this throbbing in me will never die. The stings I feel anticipating about how disparate things would have been will always be a part of me. I have now come in terms with the fact that inevitably you were, are and will always be the love of my life.

They say that true love happens only once for every individual. I don’t know if I surmise in that though, or maybe it’s mostly like that I don’t know if I’m ready to believe in that just yet. I mean I have never stopped loving you, yes I decided to let you go, but I also know that if the world were to end today you’re the first person I’d want to see. If there was something, anything that I could do to take back all the things I’ve said or done by now, you have to know that I would have done that a million times already. If only a “sorry” could mend a broken heart, if only you could see how all my days have been nothing but miserable without you near me, if only I had one more chance to love you right, to treat you better, if only I could be in your arms one last time, if only I could re live every second of my life with you.

I know you have moved on. I knew it the moment I saw you with your hands draped around her waist. Also did I mention that she’s beautiful? I noticed how your lips twitched when she smiled and how your eyes lit up when you looked at her. I saw how nervous and anxious she makes you feel and  how you picked up your favorite white hand towel from your back pocket and patted away the beads of sweat that had started to flow down your temples. I saw how careful you were with her, how softly you handled everything. I noticed how you were so lost in her world that nothing and no one around you mattered anymore. It’s at that moment I knew you had found the one. Never have I ever felt so much happiness and hurt at the same time. it takes me by shock to even comprehend the fact that at that moment I could feel two emotions with such difference in magnitude coexisting. I was happy because I saw that spark in your eyes yet again, something I thought I had taken away from you forever and the hurt was because at the moment I knew for sure that nothing will ever be the same again. it’s at that moment that the tiny fragment of hope which was buried deep inside had died within me.
Lastly, this my love is a letter I’ll never send you because you and I both know that if I am to ever tell you exactly how I feel, you will willingly drop everything and run right back to me. You will let me hurt you in ways you know you can’t bear and you`d still choose the hurt over losing me. No matter what I do, or say you`d still stand by me. You will love me regardless of how destructive I am or how I deliberately try to push you away. I know you will never love anyone as much as you have loved me, because at the end of the day aren’t` we all wired to loving things that we can never have? I know this is unfair. It’s unfair to rip myself completely from your life. It’s unfair to have let you go through all that pain. It was unfair to let you into my life if I wouldn’t have wanted you to stay too long. It was unfair to make this choice for you. But darling sometimes in order to teach someone how to swim you have to let them drown a little. You deserved better, you deserved more.

The only thing I can tell you is, someday, in some other life I promise to love you right. And I know we”ll meet again.Until then I’m leaving you with a part of my soul just like how you’ve given me a part of yourself. I LOVE YOU. Always and forever.
Me <3

1 Comment

  1. Chazz 2 months ago

    I hope and now I pray to the God of Abraham, through His Son Jesus Christ that you are happily married to a wonderful man, and the two of you are truly in love with each other and he is your best friend.
    I was a broken young man when we met. There were horrors in my life that I didn’t know how to tell you that I was abused by a nun from the 6th grade until the 8th grade.
    I didn’t have a father and I was sent to psychologist that further abused me (mentally)

    I loved you so much that I would throw up every other day because I would say to myself “is this the day that this beautiful angel will realize that this guy is broken and he will never make a good husband or father ”
    And you were correct in ending our friendship

    I came to the God of Abraham and His Son Jesus Christ. I am going to be baptized.

    You are probably saying to yourself. Who is this weirdo.. lol. Your words reminded me of a friend

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