Z,

I don’t even know where to start. When we first met and later hung out for the first time, I couldn’t have foreseen any of this happening. When you first asked me to be your girlfriend, I hesitated. I didn’t want to, I was terrified of the commitment. As I thought it over, I suddenly realized that if I let you go, I’d be making a catastrophic mistake. I asked if I could be your girlfriend, again, and you so kindly let me. You were so good to me, Z. And in return, I trampled all over your heart.

I can’t explain what felt wrong between us. I want you to know that it was never your fault. There’s something wrong with me, and the way I function in relationships, and I know it. You were perfect; you are perfect. You cared about me, liked me for who I was, and most of all, you just wanted to be with me. You were the best boyfriend I’ve ever had, even if we were only together for such a short time. I’ve never had a stable, committed boyfriend before, and you were it. Even as things started to feel off between us, I realized how awful I was because there was nothing wrong with YOU. It was just me, and I still feel awful.

I know you said that I’m going to be completely fine. That I’m going to go home for the holidays and forget about our relationship and just have fun with my friends. But Z, I want you to know that couldn’t be further from the truth. I’m a wreck–I’ve been crying all day. Thinking of how you cried in front of me as I broke up with you, thinking of the pure pain on your face, thinking of the fact that you would’ve done anything to be with me. I don’t deserve you, I never did. Z, I don’t know if I’ve ever felt this much pain for someone in my life. I can’t stop thinking that I’ve scarred you, that I’ve ruined everything for you. I keep thinking of all the good times we had–the long walks we took in the woods, the cuddles, watching movies together, you showing me how to cook, running together. We were only together for 2 months and yet it felt like it was so much longer.

I’ll miss holding hands while driving, sweet pecks on the lips, meeting up before class, lying in bed all day while watching Pokemon, long walks around your neighborhood, marveling at your cooking skills. I’ll miss knowing I had the greatest boyfriend ever.

I never deserved you and you don’t deserve the pain I brought you. I can’t explain how much pain I feel because of the pain I brought you. I would do anything in the world to rid you of that pain. All I want, all I can think about is you being happy. I just want you to be happy. I want you to keep doing well in school, get a great job, find a great apartment, and most of all, meet a great new girl. You deserve a girl who can bring you so much more than I can. You deserve a girl who will love your quirks, laugh with you, and not shy away from intimacy. You deserve a girl who knows you’re the best she could ever get and who loves you for who you are.

I know this was for the best but the pain is so fresh. It’s only been a day and yet you feel so far away already. I can’t stop thinking of you, and hoping you’re okay. I wish I could tell you all of this, but I have to respect you enough to let you–really, both of us–move on.

I’ll miss you.

Sincerely,
F