It’s taken me awhile to be strong enough to write and send this:

Wow. Projecting sympathetic feelings on to me without even asking me how I feel is unfair AND condescending! I feel just fine! I am a lot stronger, smarter and beautiful than you give me credit for.

What was yesterday, by the way? Are you trying to atone for some residual guilt? Do you feel sorry for me? Maybe you just wanted to have sex with a familiar warm body? I’m glad we didn’t by the way because that would have just complicated things even more than they already are. Fuck! Why do you even care about me? You’re the one that ended us and put up your walls again.

I feel like you’re having a tough time letting go. You’re the one bringing up old memories and our music, being suggestive (why would you tell me that you’re showering to stay up for notting hill?), even offering to help me with stuff! I didn’t suggest anything until this week when you seemed a little more friendly than usual. Otherwise I have been fairly good at keeping my distance.

I know you’re conflicted. You’re blowing hot and cold. You’re warm and friendly one day, and ice cold and ignoring me the next day (don’t think I don’t notice that). I at least have been consistent in my feelings for you. You are totally hovering! Is it for the ego-boost? Do you think I’m just expendable to you, just like all those other women you keep in your scope? I’m not one of your cigarettes that you can just smoke and walk away when it hits the ground.

I’ll respect your wants of wanting to be friends in due time. I like the idea of being your friend, but being friends won’t fulfill my needs in the future. You know what I want, and being your friend is not one of those things. I won’t pretend like I’m okay with being friends with you when I want something more. Being friends involves being vulnerable, keeping promises, and even showing up! I know you are not willing or even capable of doing that right for me right now.

Please don’t tell me that you’re life is complicated. Life is complicated. That’s just an excuse for keeping people at a distance. Having that mindset keeps your life stagnant. How fulfilling of a life is that?

I am not going to chase you. I’m not going to play the cat and mouse game. You win. Someday when I’m old and married and looking back on my life, I don’t want to think that I had to chase my husband so much in order for him to love me. At least I know what I want.

I actually wouldn’t be surprised if you actually did cheat on me. Not that it matters, you were never in it for a relationship anyway. Just the occasional fuck. Maybe some laughs. I am surprised that I let my guard down on a cold hearted judgmental hippie who tries to act like he doesn’t care. I think you care too much and are just numb to anything real. Not caring is just your scapegoat. Please leave me alone and don’t let all the fucks hit your sorry ass on the way out. Scratch that, I have no more fucks left for you.