Dear NCF

I don’t really know how I’m going to find the words to write this letter. For you, its over and you’ve got the strength in your conviction that you’ve ‘made the right decision for both of us’, but for me, this isn’t over. The day you broke up with me marked the start of a difficult time for me that is very definitely not over.

When I met you all those years ago, I wanted you more than I’ve ever wanted anyone. When we had our first date I was so happy. I had stuff going on, you know that. I was guarded. I know that. Maybe I didn’t let you in until it was too late. I guess I’ll never know. You pursued me. You became a part of my life. You pushed for that, not me!! You talked about our future, you took me on holiday, you treated me better than I’ve ever been treated. I fell in love with you. I never told you. I was afraid you didn’t feel the same way, so I squashed it and hoped you’d tell me how you felt. But you didn’t.

Then you broke up with me. You don’t love me, and you never will. It’s not me, its you. I’m the perfect girlfriend. Clearly not perfect enough. I feel heartbroken. On paper, it should have worked. In reality it didn’t. It’s a bitter pill to swallow. I keep looking for answers, but I know I’ll never find them. I know you were hurt before, a long time ago. I know you loved her. What did she have? What made her worthy of your love? I know it was over 10 years ago now, I know its ancient history, for her anyway. But I can’t bear to be around her.

I don’t understand why you can’t love me. I don’t understand how you could talk about the future one day, then take it all away the next. How could you go from having me in your life every day to not wanting me around at all.

For you, nothing has changed. For me, everything has. I know I’ll be ok, I know I don’t need you, but I want you so much. I fell in love with you. Now I have to fall out of love with you. I have to deal with K asking where you are. Watch her acting out scenes with her toys of you leaving. How do I deal with that? How do I deal with you not loving me, when I feel this way about you?

I have to let you go. I know that. I just don’t know how.