Dear Green Eyes,

This is the last letter I will write to you, but not the last time I will think about you. There is a lot to think about. There is a lot I could say to you, I mean, you were my first love and heartbreak! But I think it is only fitting to first say: thank you.

Thank you for sitting by me when the world fell apart on the television screen in front of us. Thank you for making me feel butterflies in my stomach and making me realize how beautiful I am. For all the times you looked at me like I was your world, for all the times you did things for me “just because”, I can’t ever repay you for. Your laugh, the way your eyes crinkle when you laugh and the way you throw your head back will always be there in the back of my mind next to your green eyes.

I know I’ll remember you, the good, the bad, the funny. The way you sit like a bent pretzel, the way you always drink cola at restaurants. The fact that you are allergic to strawberries but love them anyways. You play with your phone when you feel uncomfortable, you prefer coffee over tea. You don’t smile often, but when you do you look just like a small kid on Christmas. I’ll remember how you thought I was Mexican, and how you are still afraid to look me in the eye. I’ll always remember the day you told me you loved me. You loved me! I’ll remember how you were never the first to end a conversation or say goodbye. I’ll remember how you would never be the first to let go when we touched, you always waited for me to let go first, even after we broke up.

But now comes the sad, hard part of the letter: The heartbreak. You broke my heart, green eyes. There were so many nights when I stayed up thinking about you, worrying that I wasn’t what you wanted. I told you my insecurities, but instead of reassuring me you planted even more doubt. In that moment of vulnerability all I needed to hear was “I love you”, but you said “goodbye”. When you said goodbye I didn’t understand. How can you say goodbye to someone you love when they said you are hurting them? How can you just let the girl you love go? When I needed you to catch me you moved out of the way. “How can you doubt me?” You said. “You must not like me if you think I don’t love you,”. You told me things that really hurt. “I don’t love you anymore,” the next day. “You still love me,” later on. “You are so selfish, and honestly a joke,” Next week.

I hope you didn’t realize the affect those words would have on me, I wouldn’t want to think you are that cold.

You spoke your truth. And now it’s my turn.

You are a coward. For not wanting to fight for me. For choosing pride over love. For choosing an empty heart as opposed to a broken one. For pushing away those who love you because you are hurt.

There is so much more I could say, but there isn’t a point. I don’t hate you, I don’t love you. A small part of me will always love you, because you were the first boy I loved. But that is all: “loved”

Maybe years later I’ll tell my husband about you. He’ll wrap his arms around me and ask if you hurt me. I’ll snuggle in closer and tell him the truth “Yes, but I also learned so much,” He’ll laugh and kiss me then we’ll move on with our lives. I’ll think about you for just a fleeting second and wonder what you’re doing and who you’re with. I’ll wonder if you ever truly gave love a chance. Then I’ll look at my husband and smile because even after you I chose to believe in love. I will always believe in love. It’s always worth it in the end.

So this is it, Green eyes. Don’t give up on love, it will all make sense one day when it’s too late for you and me.

-C