Hi JR,

its been 7 months now. 4 since we agreed to stop talking. There’s so many things I’ve wanted to talk to you about that I can’t now since we’ve gone our separate ways. We were together for 3 and a half years when you told me that we needed to talk. The day had been nerve wracking, it all seemed so sudden. I was terrified of what the problem was, what I did wrong. I had wanted to fix the problems we had, with all my heart, but it seemed like your mind was already set at the beginning of the conversation.

You told me you didn’t trust me anymore, that you didn’t feel anything anymore. You told me that it felt like I was neglecting you or simply dismissing you. I was hurt. It hurt more than anything to hear that coming from you after we had been through so much. After I moved up here for you. After I mentioned wanting to move in together with you. After knowing you felt isolated I had tried so hard to bring you into my life more and more so that maybe that would solve the problem but here you were telling me that I didn’t care. YOU were here, telling me you felt like you had to take care of a child, after I left everything I had ever known to make things work between us. Here you were telling me that I was ignorant after I had always asked for your opinion, always craved your thoughts yet you responded telling me that you “always thought I would say no” without even giving me the fucking chance to hear what you had to say. After 3 and a half years and all the work I put into making it work you’re here telling me that you didn’t trust me.

What hurt the worst is that you said that the past week had been everything you had hoped for, after you had finally started to open up to me again and I was listening, I thought I was doing everything that you wanted me to do. Yet this wasn’t enough. I wasn’t enough. 3 and a half years, my first love, true love, my first kiss, my first time having sex. I had no idea you felt this way, you didn’t tell me. I thought everything was going so well between us but you didn’t tell me how badly I was hurting you.

I just wanted you to be happy, I still do. even today after you’ve left me. After you went to the con and dragged someone right up next to where I was and slow danced right in front of my eyes. It hurt. I cried, I felt like the bottom of the barrel that it was so quick for you to just be able to seem so stable after everything while I’m here writing a letter that you’ll never see, wishing that I could tear you from my thoughts for just a moment so I could have some peace of mind.

After all of this I should hate you for trampling over my feelings like this. For being so quick to toss me aside when all it took was time and communication. Was 3 and a half years not enough to warrant our relationship at least getting an attempt at saving? was I not worth it? I want to hate you. I want to be able to forget about you and move on. But I can’t and I know I can’t even if I tried with all my willpower. Because even looking back at our relationship now I don’t regret a second of it. I still love you, even today, I wish you were still in my life. But instead I can only look back at when we broke up and be… disappointed. Disappointed that I wasn’t worth the effort. Disappointed that here I am only a year after I moved up here for you and I still somehow managed to screw everything up.

I’m sorry I failed you.
Drew