Dear J.

I think about writing to you everyday. I think about all the things i would say over and over in my head but, nothing seems to fit right. To REALLY express how i’m feeling so here it goes…

First of all… FUCK YOU. For 3 years straight i tried to be everything you ever fucking wanted. I tried to be this perfect girlfriend. i changed everything about myself just so you would love me and you didn’t. you didn’t see how hard i was trying just for you to want me the same way i wanted you. I HATED the way i fucking looked because you never made me feel beautiful. To you i was a worthless piece of rock and you were looking for diamond.
I tried to be everything you wanted and you still went behind my back and got with girls who would shag anything for a peanut. Do you have any idea how that made me feel? You were the first person i let touch my body. You were the first person i let attempt to love me. you were the first person i tasted and all you cared about was shitty fucking drugs. drinking. doing everything you are meant to do when you’re single not in a committed relationship.

We fought all the time. you lay your hands on me for the first time and i swore to myself if you ever did that again i was leaving. I WILL NOT BE SOMEONES PUNCH BAG!!! but you did and i didn’t leave. i became exactly that. your little own punch bag. It got so bad it stopped hurting and i became used to the bruises. I became numb. numb from your words, your punch, dragging me about the house. I became numb from YOU!
I left you! i finally got the courage to say enough was enough but you soon pulled me back in and made me feel special until you had me back under your spell.
My mum saw the bruises and i would brush it off… “i did it in school” ” I fell” “we were play fighting it was an accident”. every excuse to stop my mum from finding out but she knew it was you. she wasn’t stupid and the only way thing she could do to break us up and have a better future for her daughter was to move me 400 miles away. but to you that was MY fault. You said i wanted to go but i didn’t i begged and cried on my living room floor to my parents asking them not to take me away from you. I was in love with you. i didn’t want to leave you.

After all nobody knew you like i did. Nobody knew who emotionally unstable you were, how damaged you were and i needed to be there for you so you didn’t lose your mind anymore.

Im sorry i didn’t stay.

Im engaged now, i have a newborn baby. Ive finally found someone who loves me, takes care of me and my daughter. Someone who puts me first! someone who would rather sit in with me and eat fatty foods than go out and take a line of coke.

But i think about you everyday more than ever recently. i miss you so fucking much it breaks my heart over and over. I don’t know why! i have everything i have ever wanted right here in my arms. people who love me. a fiance that makes me so happy!!! and here i am thinking about you. here i am writing to you while i’m crying my fucking eyes out because i needed you and you weren’t there!!!! You fucked me over and you’re the damn fucking reason i’m so fucked up!!! i am broken because of you! I tried to kill myself because we broke up. and that still wasn’t enough for you to act like you cared about me!

You gave me 1,000,000,000 reasons to leave… but i always, ALWAYS found just 1 reason to stay! I was your puppet. You had me on strings controlled my look, my talk, my walk, my life! and i still found 1 fucking reason not to leave you!!!

But after all the things you’ve done… after all the wrong you did. All the times you broke my heart over and over.. its YOU i feel sorry for. You lost the best dam thing in your life and for what?

So here is a shout out to my dickhead ex J/J/K. Shout out to you for making me realise i was worth more. Shout out for still controlling my life. Shout out for making me believe that you could ever change. SHOUT OUT TO YOU FOR LOSING THE ONE THING THAT CARED ABOUT YOU.