Dear J,

when we broke up, i wanted to be the one who flourished from the both of us. for this reason, i went out that night and made sure to post pictures so you could see them. i later blocked you because my plan to get you to hit me up backfired. days passed and you didn’t make a move to know how i felt. so i knowing how much i would repent to myself for it later, texted you. you ended up blocking me that day. i blocked you back. on my birthday, you sent me a text but blocked me right afterwards. 5 days later, i decided not to text you happy birthday but tell the girl who was now your bff, to wish you one from my grace. i later found out that you had unblocked me, and i felt a little bit satisfied. for some odd reason, i found joy in knowing you might be suffering. that joy only lasted for so long. i ended up finding out that you had fallen for the girl you once told me was just a friend. a girl who you told ily to when we were together and justified it by telling me that ily meant nothing to you. i also found out that you had put your arm around her. and it brought me back to the first time you did that to me. ever since then, i’ve had this weird feeling at the pit of my stomach. this sort of never ending anxiety at the thought of you having someone else in your mind. today, tuesday december 28 2016, has been the saddest of this year. today i have realized that i have lost you forever. today i have missed you so much that it hurts. i cry without even putting some sort of effort into it. memories of us flash in my head without an invitation. and even when i found a way to relieve myself of the grief, i saw a picture of you video chatting with some girls there. it’s funny because it’s 2 am and when we were dating, you always seemed to be so tired to stay awake on the phone. i told myself to postpone this letter but i don’t know what else to do with my life now that i have this void. i’m scared to go to sleep because all my dreams are of you. all of them are of you coming back into my life and apologizing for abandoning me. they felt so real until i woke up, and realized i had lost you forever. i miss venting to you and telling you how my day was. i miss having your company in the night when i couldn’t sleep because i had just watched a scary video. now that the new year is approaching, i realize how you won’t be in it. but instead, you will commence that year by replenishing the loss of our relationship, with a new one. and while it hurts that you aren’t hurting like i am, i still wish you the best. i hope this new girl with value you more and exploit your desire to stare at cars in the street. i hope you think about me every once in a while, and know that i did love you – and very much. today, i have felt extremely hopeless. i feel as if we are never going to cross each other’s paths again, and that kills me. but i have to find a way to move on. so i’m promising myself tonight that i will try my best to smile even when i don’t have the slightest energy to. i promise that i’ll take better care of myself. and maybe one day, i’ll look back and laugh at how sentimental and dramatic i have been. anyways, thank you for being a part of my life this past year. you were my first love and even though our ending made me incomplete, i will carry the thought of you with love for the rest of my life.

have a good life,
love S.