Well, I guess I’ve got to hand it to you for giving me such a bizarre introduction back to the dating scene and all the crap that goes with it. When I first started dating you, I thought this was bound to go somewhere. I was so happy to meet someone who seemed so sweet and genuine. But then after a while you grew distant and seemed determined to keep me at an arm’s length. Maybe you did care about me more than I gave you credit for, maybe you only acted the way you did because you were unsure of your stay in the country and wanted to prevent yourself from get hurt. The thing is, through your mixed messages and attitude of indifference, you hurt me more than you could probably comprehend. You had the worst habit of blowing hot and cold, saying one thing and then doing another. I am angry at you for treating me the way you did and I guess I am also angry at myself for letting me treat you the way you did.
I was so hopeful that things would return to how they were in the first couple of months that I kept clinging on to signs that things might improve, even though deep down I knew that you were unavailable for anything serious and I was been taken for a ride. I can’t believe I let something so ambigious and undefined go on for six months, dragging things out until the bitter end until you left the country. Yeah ok, we were actually dating and it seemed quite clear we weren’t seeing other people (at least you’d better not have been, because if I ever find solid evidence that that was the case, I will personally chop your balls off)…but I still feel embarrassed for not respecting myself enough to assert more clearly what I did and didn’t want and to ask more direct questions. Put it down to fear, inexperience and a need for a bit of company. Next time I know – I can stay you’ve taught me some important lessons if nothing else.
One thing that bewildered me (as if enough things hadn’t already…) is that you wanted to remain in touch and stay friends. I have to admit I wonder if you had ulterior motives for friendships. We are finished now, I told you I would not see you anymore in that context, so what on earth makes you think I am going to be available for a shag if you happen to pop back across the Tasman for a weekend?? Give me a f*cking break!!! I am not here to open my frigging legs for you whenever you feel the urge…definitely one mistake you made towards the end – if you want a girl to have sex with you, try making her feel appreciated. Trust me, it’s a turn-on.
Another word of advice for your future relationships (particularly should you decide one day you’re available for a real one) – join AA. I can’t believe someone who has a DUI still drinks as much as you do! Your drinking habits are absolutely disgusting and why you would want to do that to your body is beyond me!! Drinking so much that you do not remember parts of your night or cannot walk in a straight line is not cool when you are in your late twenties. You are not at uni anymore, time to grow up a little! It also makes you difficult to trust, although you’re far too gormless and unappealing when drunk (not to mention unable to function downstairs) to pick up so I guess I don’t need to worry about that. Seriously though, for your own sake, do something about it now before you get cirrhosis of the liver (if it hasn’t set in already). Of course, you know what I think of all that, and you know already that I thought you took me for granted, I wonder if that’s why you wanted to stay friends – to make yourself feel like less of a jerk.
I guess it wasn’t all bad…yes you could be indifferent, inconsiderate and self-centred. Yes things between us caused me way too much stress and I believe if I had been happier in my life, I would’ve walked a lot sooner on in the picture. But for the most part I did enjoy your company and I appreciate you being a sounding board for all my issues at work. I guess my regret is I let it go on too long when it clearly wasn’t going anywhere. I guess we’ve both got a few issues with commitment and rejection and that made us both afraid to communicate better with each other. But I learnt a lot, and I’m trying my best to move forward, so I’ll put it to use to find someone who completely loves and adores me because that’s what I deserve.