Why was it easy to imagine life without me?

Why was it easy to imagine life without me?

Why was it easy to imagine life without me?

I love you M. I did, I do and I always will. I bared my heart open that night and all you did was crush it. I don’t understand how you could turn so heartless in a year towards a girl you promised to love and cherish for life. Do you understand how it is to keep your personal reasons apart and just come back and say sorry to someone? It’s the most difficult thing to do. It is being vulnerable with absolutely no shield, no safety net nothing. I did it for you. I thought our love was bigger than our problems. I thought too much I guess. I changed myself so that I don’t disappoint or hurt you. I don’t understand where I went wrong. I did everything I possibly could. If you really did love me why did you stop when things got hard? Why did I need to prove my worth to you every time? Why was it easy to imagine life without me? Why was it easy to move on?

I had kept my distance from you for a very long time since I was scared of this very moment. I was terrified of this. I longed for your love everyday for so long. The love you had for me in the beginning of the relationship died long back. I dragged the relationship till here I don’t think I had it in me to drag it anymore.

You were not willing to listen to me that night. I was heartbroken and you pushed me off like I was nobody. I was devastated and I said mean stuff but that was because you never wanted to listen to my part or even understand me and the final straw was when you called me a whore and you weren’t ready to apologize. I don’t know how I could be so deluded to think we were ever going to last when you never loved or understood me. I wanted a future with you, grow old with you. I did not notice that you never wanted it as much as I did. I regret those memories because they meant nothing to you, then or now. I regret everything so much, its so hard to forgive myself. There are bad days and there are good. There are days I just lie awake and cry till I can’t cry anymore. I have never learned how to stop loving someone once I do. I never stop loving anyone I loved. You are the first guy in my life who I trusted with everything.

Now do you understand why I don’t warm up to people? Because they crush you like bugs when they know you are gentle from inside. I show only people I love how big my heart is and how nice I really am. I don’t feel someone deserves my niceness I don’t be nice to them. I was unconditionally nice to you. I waited for so long for you to change, a part of my soul was dying little by little every day.

The good memories and the bad will be with me for life. It’s a lesson learnt- never fall in love. I have always been nice to people I fell in love and they have crushed me and you did the same. All guys are just the same. And the irony is they are happy in a relationship before I can even accept the breakup you will do the same. I was just a phase for you. While you were making sure you weren’t just a phase for me, I assumed you did that because you were serious about me. But I was foolish. I was 19. I made a mistake. I really wish we hadn’t dated because of this very day. No point in a relationship which is not filled with love. I cannot hate you; I hate myself because I made you my whole life when I wasn’t even a priority in yours. I am not making any assumptions but your behavior has made me reach this conclusion.

Be happy with her. I hope she’s everything I’m not.

Goodbye

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