So its been a while since I saw you last. I keep playing back that night over and over in my head and taking everything in. I can still your face when you realised I knew what was happening. It was that moment of sheer sadness that both me and you experienced. I’ve tried my hardest to forget about it but I’m a freak for pain and I keep replaying it over and over again.
I miss you, not just a little, but a lot. Every morning I roll over and expect to see your munted haircut in my bed and there have been nights when I have thought you were there and I’ve reached out to hug you and I’ve realised its all an illusion. An illusion that keeps playing over and over in my head.
I’ve tried to keep busy, lord knows I have. I’ve been out running, gymming and working hard but there is always that grimace of hope you will come truncing past and you’ll say it’s a mistake and that you want to see what happens ahead. But atlas I seem to be waiting.
Everyone has told me not to message you or talk to you or even talk about you. I pity my friends for they have bore the brunt of me and they have legit heard it all. Whether through tears or over the phone they have been a constant presence.
I miss it all. From our little date nights at Nando’s to chilling out with each other, I miss your presence and you. You were that secret drug that I had, you would give me a hit every time I saw you without you even knowing. You were my addiction and sometimes I wish I had lifetime script because I felt pure, unequivocal happiness with you. You gave me the protection that guns and knifes don’t. Its almost like you provided a barrier from the world and that anything anyone said or did to me couldn’t hurt me because I always had you to come home to.
I miss you. I wonder every day if you miss me. Whether you check my Facebook or Instagram or old messages. I wonder every day if you get upset like I do. Whether the thought of me with another guy makes your skin crawl and makes you sick because mine sure does. I wonder what your day is like whether its good or bad. Whether you are having fun or being sad. I miss you.
The hardest part of everything is I don’t have someone to talk to about my day. I just got home and mum told me that a great cousin has cancer again and it doesn’t look good and that my great aunty is preparing for the end of her life. The hardest part is I don’t have you to turn to. For a hug, for some support or for a gentle smile to remind me everything will be ok.
The hardest thing about it all is I wanted to build a future together. I know you get scared of commitment but I wanted to build an empire together. Something that we both could be proud of and that our kids could have life in… Yes I even saw your munted head in bed playing with future kids. I love you, pure and simple and the hardest thing of all is I wonder if you ever loved me back. Everyday I’m heart broken and each day it doesn’t get better, the old tale “ Absence makes the heart grow stronger” seems to be working now.
I miss you so much, it hurts my heart. I love you and wish you were here everyday.