How are you? I think of you often. I wonder what you’re doing, how your job is, what you’re listening to or watching, what you’re thinking about… My mind never seems to wander too far from you. It’s been a little over a month now since our last phone call. I feel so far from that conversation. It’s amazing how much can happen in a month, how many different emotions I can feel in just a few short weeks. In the past month I’ve hated you, I’ve cried for you, I’ve rationalized all the awful things we have said and done to one another, and I’ve denied that this is how we end, that this is the end of our road. It’s a struggle for me to accept that we have gone as far as we can go. I don’t want to believe this fairytale I’ve so carefully crafted in my mind will never be a reality. For so many years I’ve been clinging to the idea that hope and love could change you, could change us. However, I’m starting to understand, and more importantly believe, I am not your destiny and you are not mine. Acceptance that life, my life, is out of my control is not a skill I have mastered. I push so hard against the things I don’t want. I never wanted you to leave. I don’t want to be forgotten. I didn’t want this to be the end. I don’t want to be reduced to writing you a letter you’ll never read, never even know of. I don’t want to accept that it’s over. During our last phone call, I proposed we try something new, that we create a new normal. I didn’t know at the time how profound that proposition would be for me. Accepting that our friendship, romance, and connection is over, has become my new normal. You have been my life for six years. Everything I have done, said, and believed has all been for you. I’ve wasted countless shooting stars and years of birthday wishes on you. I’ve rung in five new years believing this would be the year we finally make it. I have lived for you and for us, but never for me. I lived to see you happy, thriving and finding your way. You made my life worth living, and now you’re gone, so I must accept there is still more life to live, without you and not for you. As our lives start to twist in new directions and veer away from what we shared, I want you to know that although I am not living for you anymore, I still love you with every ounce of my being. It is because of you I have been able to find strength. It is because of you that I now know how to find light in darkness. And because of you, I get a new fairytale. As I get closer to discovering what it means to move on, I can’t help but be grateful. I keep asking myself, when will the anger come? However, I’m starting to think I may never be angry, because you gave me my life back. I move in and out of acceptance, sadness, and denial, but as each day turns to night and each night turns to day, I’m living for me, and I’m finally free.
Your Sweet One