i used to love intensely. i used to love passionately. i used to love. you took that from me and i don’t think ill ever forgive it. this is my “fuck you”.
don’t get me wrong – i miss my old self, not you. you’re the first and the last person i loved and i hate you for doing this to me. i hate you for changing me. in all honesty, i wish we never happened because now every time he touches me i’m brought back to that saturday when i lay in bed with you for hours as you touched me knowing you had done the same to her the night before. every time he promises me anything i’m brought back to that sunday when you broke my heart as i was in work and promised me you hadn’t cheated on me. every time he kisses me i’m brought back to that tuesday before your debs when you kissed me as you texted her telling me it was your mum, not showing me because i wasn’t your girlfriend anymore, telling me to trust you. every time i try to let myself fall for him i’m brought back to the day i stopped falling and broke, i’m brought back to how much it hurt to hit reality and, though theres a lot i’m unsure about, i’m certain i never want to feel that again.
its been over a year since it happened and i still remember exactly what it was like. all i could think about was how much easier it’d be if i wasn’t thinking. i had intentions scarier than any horror movie id ever seen. all i wanted was to sleep and never wake up but every time i closed my eyes i saw your face and a wave of sadness hit my chest and i felt like my stomach had been inhabited by dead butterflies. i didn’t know what to do with myself. i cried, i screamed, i let myself fall apart. i didn’t understand how you did what you did or why you did it. you promised me you’d never leave and then you did and no amount of ice cream or alcohol makes that easy to accept. i felt worthless. i felt alone. i didn’t want to eat, i didn’t want to speak, i didn’t want to “be”. i wanted you and i couldn’t have you and that broke me.
you broke me and i’m yet to be fixed and that fucking sucks.
i know i played my part in this, i know i fucked up too but thats no excuse for what you did. if i was breaking you as much as you said i was, if i was as awful to you as you said i was, then you should have left. you should never stay with someone who’s breaking your heart, no matter how much you think you love them. and if someone is breaking you, the last thing you should do is break them. i don’t think ill ever really love anyone again and if i do it will not be half as much as i loved you.