I am writing this letter to you because I don’t believe I will have the opportunity to say this to you face to face.
I have had time to think about our friendship and relationship over the past 12 months. The last 12 months I have learnt lots about myself, about relationships, love, and life. I’ve learnt that I am the type of person that loves with my entire being. When I love or care about someone, I have let my entire world revolve around them. That’s what I did with you and that is a lesson learnt. You came into my life at a time where I had been emotionally beaten up and I didn’t know where my happiness would next come from. You came into my life and you weren’t just a person. You were this entity that I was infatuated with. Your big heart, drop dead gorgeous looks, infectious personality , our long list of common interests, your care, your compassion, your love for family, your strong faith. It was everything I ever wanted and I genuinely felt God blessed me with all of this.
I knew this on the 18th September 2016. We went to church together at Edge church with Robbie and his family. In that service I felt God place this feeling on my heart that my journey moving forward would be with you. I was emotional later that day because I wasn’t able to share this happiness with my family. They were overseas at the time but it wasn’t because they were overseas it was because they weren’t ready to meet somebody else. They were still grieving from my previous relationship. I prayed to God that he would open their hearts about this and he did. Without me initiating anything they invited you into their home.
It was important for you to be married in your catholic church and you were worried that my divorce would prevent that from happening. I knew how important that was to you. Initially we were worried this would be another barrier. It wasn’t an issue because I was baptised catholic and the annulment process would only take one day.
We began to talk about the future together. It felt so right to think about being married to you. For the first time in my life I didn’t just feel comfortable to want to have kids it became a desire to want them with you. I knew I would be a good father and I knew you would be a good mother. We would raise our children with the same values and our families would smother them in love.
Am I upset with where I sit today? No. Am I sad? Yes.
Am I upset with you? No.
As God is my witness I have no ill feeling towards you. Irrespective of what happens from here on I sincerely hope God blesses you with every one of your desires. You are an amazing person and you will do amazing things.
I have had time to reflect on me and what I want, and what I have done. I know I am a very good person and I too will be blessed by God moving forward. I am thankful for everything I have. I still want to be married one day and to be a Father. I will be the best Husband and Father. I have things to work on and I know that I need to learn not to have the love of another reinforced to me.
Was that what pushed you away? Only you know that. From now on it is all about me and making me happy and if that makes someone else happy so be it.
I would like for us to have ended this relationship in a way that we respected each other because I think that’s what we both deserve. Unfortunately emotions got the better of the relationship.
I have lots of questions that I would like answers too although I don’t know whether I really want them right now.
It still makes me happy thinking about being married to you and having kids. However, I am at peace with where I sit today and I believe that right now where we currently sit is meant to be.
I know that right now, time, is the best thing for both of us, irrespective of whether we ever get back together again. However, I do want to be able to say hi if I see you walking down the street.
I gave you my heart and opened up to you about aspects of my life that I have never done with anyone else because I trusted you and genuinely wanted you to know that information. That’s what hurts the most. I don’t think you ever planned to hurt me, but you did. I respect your opinion and will continue to remember the advice you have given me.
I want you to know what I am worth. I invited you into my life, my head, my soul, my heart, my family, my bed. That is all very special and not everyone I meet is entitled to those things. I’ve given you everything and in return, you’re not mine. I’m not trying to make you feel bad, because you know how much I care about you. I just don’t think you can give me what I want and need right now. A relationship – no matter what kind – falls apart the minute another friendship becomes more important than our relationship. It was no longer fair for me to allow that to continue from you, when you would expect the same from me.
Irrespective of what our future entails I am going to miss you. I will always remember our time together and it will not be lost. I am going to feel like I failed, like I wasn’t good enough for you despite my best efforts. The best thing I can do right now is focus on me. I hate being alone but I am 100% content knowing I will not give myself to anyone that is undeserving.
I had never felt love like I had for you. I would do almost anything for you. The memories I get to keep as a result of our relationship are some of the best I have.
Our coffee catch ups at Crown ,our coffee catch up on the day of my birthday, our first trip to Melbourne, our first date at the Warradale, our first footy game together, our mid-week sleepovers, your puppet dance, your air guitar and air drumming, our late night chats, our hang outs on the balcony, our dinner date at vino ristorante, our relaxing breakfasts at my house whilst listening to jazz music, the day we went to the French festival and then later set up the Christmas tree at my house, Christmas Eve & Day and New Year’s Eve.
You are a good person with a magnetism about you that draws people into you – but one thing I won’t do is continue letting you pretend that friendship didn’t matter.