Dear my “love”,
You always tell me how much you “love” me, or how “important” I am to you. You tell me we will be together forever and that our love will always last. That no matter what, I am always your “priority” and l “always come first”. You tell me these things and I force myself to believe you because I feel that it’s the right thing to do. That i’m supposed to feel the same.
It’s so much more than that. You don’t realize that I have completely let go of everything. For you. I have turned my back on people who have been there for me since the beginning. People who have never left my side. Yet I pushed them all away because you didn’t like them, or because they were “annoying”. I surround myself with you and your friends everyday because it makes you happy. Yet you don’t see the pain in my eyes, when I watch my old friends without me. I try to let it go, because that’s what i’m supposed to do. Right?
Sometimes the things you say hits me like bullets straight through my chest. When I sit next to you in your car and listen to how “dumb” you think I am, or how I can’t do anything right, or when I text you something that you don’t agree with and you tell me to “shut up”, or when you ask me, “Are you retarded?” I don’t think you realize that your words hurt.
I lay awake every night wondering why I’m alive. Why I even bother making friends because I know you’ll hate them. Why I try to be confident when all you do is tear me down. I just can’t bring myself to leave you. I guess I am just more in love with you then you are with me. My whole life is you. Even though you make my heartache, you make me think about my life late at night, or no matter how worthless you make me feel, I still won’t leave you.
All of the times I stayed up all night crying because of the hurtful things you say to me, all of the makeup I put on to cover the bags under my eyes and the depression written all over my face, all of the times I remained quiet because I didn’t want to be “annoying”,all of the people I push away, all of the times I forced myself to agree with you even though I knew I was right, were because of you. I do it all for you. To make you happy with me. To make you “love” me more. To make me think everything will be ok. I’m trying. I promise.
Your broken-ruined girlfriend.