So I wrote this letter. To tie up my loose ends, fulfill a promise, and you made one of the deepest impacts of my life so far so I thought I owed it to you. It’s more or less a story of a person in a seemingly eternal dark place, seeing light for the first time, and then chasing dragons for the next 2 years.
I can trace where this all started to one moment in California. It was the end of the night and you were sitting there alone, lost among a crowd of familiar faces. It reminded me of myself, because when that happens to me ,I shut myself out of it, numb to the senses of social interaction. It’s like living in the most social solitary confinement in history. It’s like trying to let yourself go, but the entire world just wants you to hold it in. I never really got to show the world who I really was when I was around. I’m sorry I never stuck around to show you who I really was. Because that me really wanted to meet you. Anyway, you were upset and I was there with my totally excellent, sexy, mysterious, fake, mask going on, and for just a second, we made eye contact, and you completely took me off guard. There really isn’t a way for me to explain how or why it happened. It was like the rest of the world stood still while I saw a whole lifetime in front of me, one without despair, loneliness, pain. You radiated so much beauty that I could’ve painted a thousand pictures. I don’t know much about love or anything to be honest. I can’t even say that I love anyone, not even family. but I think that I was in such a dark place the day that I met you, that I accidentally fell in love with you. I know, whoa there cowboy.
I’m still trying to figure out how you broke through my guard. I had been burned so many times, I was almost certain my heart had just frozen itself. To this day, whenever I see you, that moment comes back in full detail. Like at my concert, when I was mid-song, I spotted you in the audience, watching, probably not really caring about the music. I saw you smile, and just for a moment, I pretended you were smiling at me, and for that brief, beautiful, and agonizing moment, I didn’t feel alone. You made me forget how to play my instrument for a few moments. My stand mate actually had to nudge me to keep playing
I don’t know why it does this to me, it should mean nothing right? Who knows, I’ve always been an appreciator of the small things in life, like the smell of rain, or the sound of wind rustling through the trees.
Anyway, deep down, that moment, gave a hopeless soul, a single spark. That maybe things could work out just fine and dandy.
You know the rest. You were going to tell me you had family in town to cancel our date. In fact, you told a friend that you only said yes because of pity. No matter how much that broke me, I understood that you had other interests in better people. I guess, you did something to my emotions so severe, it scared the living shit out of me just to talk to you, I guess I’m not ready to step into reality, I’ve always been a dreamer. If you read this and really don’t know I’m talking about, It’s okay, a stressed, depressed, and finely dressed brain can play wonderful tricks. It was probably a dream, but one of those dreams that’s so good that you never want to wake up. All in all, I just want to thank you, for the memories. I have a letter way longer than this one, but it’s really sappy, just a guy desperately hoping that something was there when there really wasn’t, just another story I’ll always wish was real. I wish you the best in everything you do and everywhere life takes you.
Thanks for not being another face.