I didn’t have the chance to tell you how I felt. Everything was quiet and all i can hear is your voice. It was clear as the pure spring running from the mountain. it was as clear as a polished jewel. it was clear as a cloudless sky on a summer day. There couldn’t be any mistake, you did not stutter. So that was how it was going to end. It felt like i was hearing all the goodbyes I’ll ever hear in my lifetime all at once. And like a fine china on a child’s clumsy hand, my heart fell, broke down and was shattered.
But I fought my tears, it was a painful choke of emotions i tried to push down. All because I didn’t want you to worry, and I want you to just do whatever that makes you happy. And so it was really our goodbye.
When I met you, you had that hammer of courage to break down my walls I have built over time to protect myself from the pain I had experienced in the past. You broke my walls with your patience and gave me more than what i thought i deserved. You made me believe. You made me hope. And you made me love again. It was the best thing that could ever happen to anyone, to find someone who can change what they were and make them a better person. You made me laugh so hard I cried, you stayed up at night listening to my never ending stories, you were a shoulder i cried on, you were the silver lining in my sea of dark clouds, you were the light at the end of the tunnel, you were the hero of my story, you were the gift I was so thankful for, you were the greatest thing that ever happened in my life. And you broke my heart.
I didn’t know how it happened or why. But at the middle of the roller coaster ride, you bailed out. I couldn’t figure out how it came to that but it was all happening real fast. And now, I would just want to get it out. You will never read this letter, you’re never meant to. I just want to let the world know how you made me feel. I am deeply hurt. I am in so much pain that I wish I could numb it. I wear a mask everyday to let other people know that I am ok but inside i am really broken. There’s not a day that I did not think about what you told me. I tried replaying all the things that I could’ve said, things that I didn’t say, things that I’ve done, and things that I did not do just so I can understand. I tried running through all the things that may have possibly set you off but I couldn’t think of any. I do not have any thing….I just have regrets.
And now I’m building up my walls and have decided that no one is ever worth it. You made me feel like i deserve nothing. You made me feel like some leftover. You made me feel like I’m not good for anything. Everyday is a struggle to get rid of these feelings and it’s exhausting. After everything, I still couldn’t hate you…I still forgive you.
But I also would like for at least one of these things to happen: I wish that I have never met you. I wish that I could erase you from my memory.