Five years, still in love, and can’t move on.

Five years, still in love, and can’t move on.

Five years, still in love, and can’t move on.

LTME-postTo you,

I never told you the real reason I ended things. I never really knew the real reason until now. It has been almost four years now that it has been over. Yet I still feel the same. You were always so kind, and loving. But I never told you my biggest flaw. For eleven years I could never admit that I had depression. When I was the closest to ending my life, I was about 15. I told my dad, who I was the closest to, but yet I never thought he would give me the answer he did. He told me to suck it up, that my life wasn’t bad. So I shouldn’t feel felt that my life was worth ending. He said that would cause to much pain, which it would, and I know that. But I swore on that day that I would never admit how bad I would feel, I truly believed that I would get better. I got into partying and covering the darkness into drinking and boys. I never would consider myself a whore. But I slept with more people than I should. I am not ashamed of it. It is part of my past. But I did it because I did not want to be alone. I needed proof that someone could love me because I did not love myself, even if it was only for a night. I was lying to myself that I was happy. Constantly telling myself I will get better my junior year, my senior year, in college, so on and so on. But it never did. The first time I saw you I was 16, by then I had already had one guy who I consider to be a friend with benefits, and I was sleeping with one of your teammates. And you were still dating someone. But about four months later I would see you again. It was a strange night, but a night I wouldn’t forget. Even though our friends pushed us into meeting each other. I never thought you actually liked me. I had no idea you were hitting on me. But when we went out the next weekend, we had our first kiss. If you would have told me then that I was still in love with you, I would have never believed it. We were become so close, so quick because we both needed each other. Your mom was in jail, with her continuous acholic behavior, and my family emotionally abanded me. You showed me that I was worth a love like yours. That I could be loved. You taught me to love myself. I needed you, and I believed that you needed me. Our love was never a fairytale, but it was everything I needed. I had really believed that my depression had subsided, that you were the cure. Fast forward to almost a year later, I was a freshman, you were a junior, both at the same college. It wasn’t until I started college that I felt my darkness creeping back into my life. I was confused, I had you, I thought the pain was over. But without realizing it, we started to fall apart. Without realizing it, my depression was ruining our relationship. Since I was lying to myself, I was lying to you. Do not get me wrong, we both were equally to blame for the fights in our relationship. But I realized that you started to take care of me like you did with your mother. I couldn’t allow you to do that. At that moment of my life I really thought I would never overcome my depression. I made some excuse on why I had to break up with you. I still to this day can not remember what the excuse was. But after a year, it was over. I tried everything to get you to hate me. I wanted you to because I knew I would let myself go back to you. But you were so kind, loving and forgiving that you never hated me. And stupidly I went back and back. Until I would realize that I was hurting you. But I could never let you go. I was selfish. I finally realized that I needed to remove myself the equation. I took a internship, one that I have always wanted, which was about 1000 miles away. I really truly wanted this internship. And I do not regret it one bit. But that is one of the main reason why I left. The next two years was rough on me. I really thought you had finally hated me. We barely talked. I wasn’t until I came home that I saw that we had grown apart. We got together and talked about how we wanted to at least work on our friendship. But that same summer you got into a relationship with someone. I was of course upset and sad. Which didn’t help my depression. But I was actually truly happy that you were happy. I knew that you were pissed that I deleted you off of social media. But I had too. She posted almost everyday about how you and her. I really truly thought it was over. That I would never see you again. That year you were with her was rough on me. I was still in love with you, but my old was of masking my depression wasn’t working. I decided to bump up my five-year plan, changed my major, and move back to the same city my internship was originally at. But realize this, that move was never because of you. I truly wanted that for me. And I don’t regret it. I have tried to move on, I have even dated other guys. But it wasn’t until the summer of 2016, that I drunk texted you. But it wasn’t until that October that I saw you again. It was like nothing had changed. I have seen you a few times since. But it wasn’t until last week that I thought there was still hope that you loved me. I told myself that I wasn’t going to see you this trip. But out of know where you texted me. You said you wanted to see me… I finally saw you, but it was strange, we barely talked. You were in a bad mood because of a test you took that day, so I understand. But I want to know why you asked to see me. Why do you still want me in your life. I want to tell you the real reason I broke up with you, I want to tell you that after all this time I still love you. But I can’t… I can’t move on, I have tried. I want to believe this is just God’s way of telling us we belong together. But my career is going to take me far way, and you want to stay at home. It doesn’t seem like it would ever work… But I still have this heartbreak. There is still the unknown. I will continue to pray, I will continue to live my life like nothing is different.Maybe one way we might be together again… But maybe one day I will move on.

Love,
23 and still in love.

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