One last letter

One last letter

One last letter

LTME-postGio, one last letter … I know I have written too many times that this going to be the last message but did not abide to my own words then. However, this time it’s going to be different and this is why I am not sending the letter to you but writing it here. It’s mainly for myself and for all those people who have been left brokenhearted by someone. For those who have been left with words that indicated they have been the only person who failed to make it work out.
I thought a lot how to categorize this letter because the catgeories offered do ont truly fit to the meaning of this letter.
It’s not about my awesome new life because this would be a lie. I am still living my life as I did before we met. Though you broke my heart and I may have acted at some points like losing it, you never have had the power to change my life. And there has been no reason to change it for a better after you because it’s good as it is, with all the ups and downs included. It’s my life after all and I only went back to it like we never happened at all.
It’s also not about being still heartbroken for it would mean I still feel for you. But I don’t and I never did. I have found out that I felt affection for the image of a person you created but who never existed anyway. So I probably feel loss of a picture of how it could have been but not of you.
“I wish you well” would be exaggerated. I simply do not care about how you are doing anymore. Why should I? I’m altruistic but not to that excessive point of caring about someone who blanked out when I have been in hospital.
“What I wished I’d told you” would not fit either … it sounds like I would somehow still have the hope of changing something with writing more words . However, I have told you so much about the whole course of events and you never cared anyway. So no, it’s probably more about “what I wished I could tell all those others” who came your way and you treated the same way you did me. And obvisouly there has been at least a few of them considering all the anonymous mocking I went through the last months because I have been in contact with you. Though it has not been right by them to use me as their target of anger, I am sure that there has been much pain raised by you that made them act like this.
And it’s also not about “being sorry” … you made me feel sorry too many times for no reason at all. I apologized because you left me with the feeling of being the “hysterical” person. However, from a distance I realized you were the only “tragic character” in this plot. You are the one who travels around the globe to date women, who still suffers from failing his first academic carreer, who lives his life like a neverending vacation without at least a bit of seriousness and who thinks that random teasing and criticism without a point is the appropriate way of treating a person he dates for the first time. You are the one who keeps a memory book of his dates on social media by hiding it behind pictures of places he travelled to, who is easily attracted by sexually explicit content and who rather goes for the shallow type of women who only wait by the line than trying to keep up with the intelligent and ambitious ones. So I guess this says a lot more about you than “hysterical” says about me.
If being annoyed by your teasing and criticism, questioning too much early intimacy without any hint given on what I am to you and standing up for myself is hysterical – well, then I am proud of being hysterical. If I have cornered you by asking what this is all about after offering unconditional kindness, after welcoming a complete stranger in my home and in my life and without you even contacting me by yourself and given me a clue how this story would go on over a distance of 700km, then surely the issue is not on my side.
I know it is way more easy for you to look for the fault on the other side than to not reflect on your own flaws …. especially when you have a line of people supporting your ways and allowing you to treat them that way. But again, what does this say about you and about your choice of “supporters”?
I do not claim to be perfect and without flaws. And of course I am protective when it comes to some certain topics, especially concerning my heart. However, I have tried to see the good in you and treat you with all the respect possible until the point of no return … but did you really expect me to shut up when you pushed and pulled me, when all the mocking of those women started? Did you really think I would easily walk over the fact that you obviously are the ‘Casanova’ you tried to convince me not to be? You have lied, in so many ways, and you have treated everything between us with no importance at all. The only effort you put into the story was travelling to date me and pay for dinner&drinks (which you insisted on) but considering all the travel pics in your memory book even this has not been a big thing to you.
So, who’s fault was it? Mine, because I felt something is wrong and spoke it out or you who is living this way?
For sure you made me feel sad and broken for a long time by thinking I made a mistake but I did not. Actually I did everything right. I dumped you early enough not to go through even more worse times than I have been through already. So not matter how much you try to convince yourself that I have been the one who failed … at the end of the day your life and your continuous disaster of finding someone to be with will prove you different. I guess even those who are desperate of dating you will find out at some point that they are better off without a man who has only love for himself and who is not able to empathize at any point with the perspective of the other side. You are mainly haunting a selfish vision of how a girlfriend should work: someone who is tabloid goodlooking without flaws, who stands by your side without own expectations, tells you all the time how perfect you are and who is to you like a mother, friend, lover, holy and bitch at the same time. But what have you to offer beyond a home with a sunset view, pictures of places you have travelled to and pubertal jokes? Only headaches, heartache and trouble to anyone who tries to touch your heart …
Tragic, but go ahead and think I have failed …

1 Comment

  1. L 2 months ago


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