its been about 5 months since we broke up. today is january 18th. its nearing the one year anniversary of the first day we met. i remember the first time i saw you on that friday afternoon, making my way to mr collier’s fifth period class. it was after lunch ended. i was wearing my new yellow vans that i loved so much, and sofia was walking beside me.
i remember the first time we actually talked in person. we ate lunch together that day and i brought tyler with me because i was so nervous. you were stoned. i didnt know that until a few months after. that was kind of a punch in the gut. the first impressions you having me being made while not thinking clearly. thats okay though.
i remember when you got in trouble. i remember how it made me feel; sick, anxious, scared. i couldnt bear not talking to you everyday. not being able to see you. i was terrified about what my parents would think; some stupid 17 year old pothead hanging around their daughter. they never found out, though. i kept you a secret from them for a while. it was a rush, kind of. i was dating was some cool “bad boy.” i didnt know it then (or maybe i just chose to ignore it) but those were your worst flaws.
the first three months were so special. so special. i cherish every memory of those few months, locked and engraved inside of my mind. i had never felt so loved in my whole life. more wanted. i felt like i was worth it, like i was capable of love. you made me feel happy and alive and whole. so i thank you for that. from the bottom of my heart, thank you for giving me a reason to live.
four months in. the red flags began to show. it started after your probation ended; the day of our four months. june 5th. we made all these awesome plans that i was so excited about. i mean, i had gone months of smoking without you! i was stoked about getting stoned with you and going out to that cool retro arcade your dad took us to for your birthday. i couldnt get the weed in time. but your friend jullian could. so you hung out with him instead.
i remember that night. my stepdad had gotten drunk and was making my whole house a nightmare. i just wanted someone to comfort me, to tell me that everything was going to be okay. so i called you. i texted you. you didnt respond. you told me the next day that you got too high and forgot to check your phone. that was also the first time you told me you werent a “i sit on my phone 24/7” type of person. you had never told me that before.
things went more and more downhill as more time went on. i dont think you even realized. besides, you were too busy getting stoned everyday. you were going across the country to visit family for a couple of weeks towards the end of june. our friend ethan came over and spent the night the day before your flight. he showed me messages between the two of you. “i think im losing feelings for piper. i dont know what to do.” they were sent a week prior.
i remember the feeling of my heart dropping. my vision getting blurred, palms sweating, nervous stomach. classic signs of a panic attack. i texted you. “myles baby, if you ever feel like youre starting to lose that spark with us, please tell me. i’ll understand.” you responded with a twisted, manipulative paragraph. saying something about how you were going through a short lived phase. you were confused about not just us, but about everything else in your life. you overcame those thoughts a few days later. i realized once again that you are the only person for me, i want to be with you until i take my last breath, you said. im in love with you, you said.
i remember how those words hooked me, reeled me in to your infatuating ways. sweet nothings, is what people call them. saying things she wants to hear. lying and manipulating is what i call it. something im all too familiar with. and you knew that. you knew too much about me. more than i never admited i was comfortable with.
so you went to new hampshire. time zones were completely different, which made me crave more of you. i couldnt take this time apart. i was in love. i was infatuated. i wanted to spend every waking moment with you. the day before you came back home, i was dying of excitement. you had been away for our five months, and i had gotten you a present i knew you would love. you felt the same way.
i remember the day you came back home. i woke up early from excitement. i looked on my social media and saw that you were out getting stoned with your friends. i was confused. i asked you if i could come see you in a couple hours. “no, not until five. i havent smoked in two weeks and i want some time to hang out with everyone and play video games.” i ignored the way that made me feel. so i obeyed your request.
i remember getting to your house at five. i remember your mom greeting me with a hug and your brother giving me a small stuffed animal from your trip. you were in your bedroom. the first thing i did when i saw you was fling myself around your neck, wanting to take in every moment. i wanted to give your gifts and to listen to you tell me everything about your trip. the first thing you wanted? sex. i gave in. i always gave in.
i remember going home only after being with you for a short three hours. i got home and locked myself in my room, crying. i called ethan and told him that it felt like you were pulling away. he was always the happy medium with us, always helping us resolve some problem. you texted me a long paragraph. i dont remember what you said, but the last sentence has been burned into my brain; “i just need my space sometimes.”
i didnt know what that meant. space? in a relationship? i tried understanding, so i decided to slow myself down a bit. i had started to feel like i was the problem. maybe i was too needy. too demanding. maybe i wasnt giving him everything he wanted.
i remember how over the course of the next week we talked a lot about how to fix our problems. we both made it clear that we wanted us to work more than anything. so we came up with ways to make that possible; communication, being 100% open with one another, and sometimes taking some time to care for ourselves. i remember how well i felt we were doing after that.
i remember feeling like it was the first three months after that. i remember how it felt like you wanted to be with me all the time. i remember the butterflies. i remember when you texted me that one monday night saying you needed to talk to me about something that had been killing you. i remember that tuesday afternoon, sitting in my backyard chairs with my bong, talking on the phone with you for what was probably five hours, going over every single thing in our relationship.
i remember how much i was sweating due to the summer arizona heat. i remember crying, i remember you doing the same. i remember how we made a promise to each other that we were going to remain best friends. i remember that i was the one to initially end our relationship. i remember doing it for you. it was what you wanted, and i always gave you what you wanted.
i remember how we hung up, but remained messaging each other up until the early hours of the morning, not wanting to let each other go. i remember the i love you’s. i remember finding out that you had cheated on me two days later. i remember practically living at gabby’s house the rest of that week. i remember her and anaise holding me for hours as i broke down, sobbing until i couldnt produce tears anymore. i remember what i texted you that night after deleting every single picture, throwing away the bracelet, attempting to erase you from my life. the life that you had consumed, stolen from me.
“i cant have you in my life anymore.”
i remember you responded with an understanding message. apologizing. trying to explain yourself. i remember not feeling anything. no anger. no hate, no resentment. just a numb, empty, hollow feeling. the way i felt before i met you. just simply sending you back a thank you. a thank you for being apart of my life.
i remember that i completely lost myself. i remember not knowing what to do with myself. you werent there, so what was the point? i drowned out all of my feelings by getting stoned, drinking, popping a few xanax. i tried everything. but it always led me back to you. i remember the first day of school. i saw you on my way to fifth hour. after lunch. i remember going home that day and sitting up all night with my sister, crying into her newly dyed pink hair as we watched ‘the office’ that reminded me so much of you.
i remember how much it hurt. i remember going though the motions. i remember spewing my hatred of you to everyone i could.
i remember how it felt when i saw you one day and it didnt hurt as much. i remember it hurting less and less. i remember letting go.
i remember messaging you on instagram about three months later, realizing that i didnt block you.
i remember telling you that i was sorry for how everything ended. saying that i wished things could have been different. i remember telling you that i know now, we were never meant to be together forever. that i know that, no matter how hard i wish, this is how we wouldve ended up anyways. i remember apologizing for the sudden message, but that i just wanted to let you know that i thank you for showing me what pure true love was for the short time we had it. that i will never regret anything that happened with us, or ever meeting you. that you were my first love; forever holding a special place in my heart, a place that no one will ever be able to steal. not even the person i spend the rest of my life with.
the truth is myles: i remember everything. i will never forget you or the time we spent together. nobody will ever replace you. so here it is, after a long, confusing, five months;
i forgive you. for every single, stupid thing you ever did that ended up hurting me in some way. from not texting me back to cheating on me.
i forgive you.