I should hate you, I try to hate you, I tell myself every day to hate you and yet I still miss you so much. I compare other men I meet to you and find them wanting, even though you don’t deserve to be held up as an ideal man. You led me on, lied to me from the very first time we met, cheated on me with god knows how many women, took advantage of me because you knew I loved you, played game after game after game. I’m not sure what I ever did to deserve that? If I wasn’t your type, if I wasn’t someone you could see yourself in a relationship with, why keep seeing me? Why keep it going for two years?
And it’s my own fault – I had my doubts and my suspicions and even when you denied seeing anyone else, I allowed myself to keep believing you, stop doubting you and fantasise about the day you’d declare your love and ask me to marry you. Yes I was that stupid and gullible and I hate myself for that.
You’ve destroyed my self-esteem, my confidence, my ability to ever believe anything that comes out of a man’s mouth again, and yet still I cannot hate you. I’m desperately trying to move on, pick up the pieces of my shattered heart, I’m seeing someone who is the complete opposite of you in every way, and yet I cannot see myself ever loving him, which isn’t fair to him, but I think if I allow myself to fall in love, I could get hurt again and that pain was so bad, I can’t survive it.
This isnt really for you to see, I need to just get this off my chest once and for all and I can’t say it to you in person. You hate me and I’m not sure why – your other women have done terrible, hurtful things to you and your family and all I did was love you and welcome you into my home, my heart and yet you treated me like I was dirt, like I was the girl who outed you to your family and friends, like I falsely claimed you raped me, and I was pregnant, like I stalked you – BUT that was just one of your many girlfriends, not me. And you say your life is shit, that you’ve lost everything and for some reason blame me. And yet, I still cant hate you. How pathetic am I?