I was never good enough for you

I was never good enough for you

I was never good enough for you

I hate how we ended. I wish you could have at least given me a better break up. I loved you every day for over a year, my first love. I tried to never ask you for much and give you everything you wanted, sacrificing all of me as you took me in and did with it what you wanted. I loved you when it hurt me, I tried to comfort and console you while you were crying over your ex girlfriend and held you as I died inside. You couldn’t bear to be in my arms and needed to call the woman you had been having a relationship with for five months behind my back. You told her ‘I just needed to hear your voice’. Why wasn’t my voice enough?

Did my embrace mean nothing to you? I was never good enough for you, never earned your respect even as I put you first in my life every day. I patiently waited for you to grow up and be a man, knowing all along you would never change your ways. You told me you loved me countless times and each time I drank your false confession in wanting to hear you say it again and again. Deep down I knew you didn’t love me, but after everything I did for you I thought you cared about me. Even though you moved far away, I was waiting for you to come back, saving myself for you and only you. I was yours. Now after receiving a text message breaking up with me and finding out through Facebook you have been with someone else for five months, I am devastated.

I made you swear to tell me if you found someone else, that I would understand and only ever want you to be happy. You couldn’t be man enough to let me know even though you promised you would tell me and never hurt me like that. I called you to hear the truth, I needed to hear it from your mouth that you have been with this woman and you refused to give me that much. Even though it’s only been a few weeks, I went out on a date, I thought he was different from you and that he liked me for me but was proven wrong when he expected sex the next time we met. I gave him what was once yours. It only made me miss you more.

It’s ironic how I thought this man would help me heal but somehow wounded me more. It’s amazing how after all the pain I went through because of you that I don’t feel anger toward you. This was such a horrible betrayal and the baggage that I am carrying around will affect my future relationships. I would do anything to be back in your warm strong arms, not being able to control my hands touching your chest and stomach, and always itching your beard for you. I hate how broken I feel. I hate that you are holding someone else in your arms late at night when I NEED YOU, not her. She doesn’t need you, she doesn’t know what you are really like, and I know once she finds out she will question how she ever loved you, how you could have blinded her so much that she ignored so many red flags.

No one will ever put up with your bullshit like I did, no one will ever love you more than I do, even now. I hope that you will one day learn to love yourself. Your inflated ego is a front, your a wounded little boy that has to selfishly, lie, cheat, steal, and use people to feel good about yourself. I wish you could understand this will never work, and only lead you to an empty life. I have no power except to pray for you to find the person I know you can be. Please stay clean and learn to be happy. I love you more.


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