Counting the days to make a smile a true smile

Counting the days to make a smile a true smile

Counting the days to make a smile a true smile

Dear Willy Wonka,

When I met you I was nearly divorced and I had the world in front of me.  I wanted to do things different this time and focus on making myself a stronger woman for myself along with my kids.  I had life by the horns and I wasn’t going to allow myself to succumb to the sweet nothings uttered by any man to me.  Then I saw your face.

Across the room our eyes met and I knew at that second that there was a certain chemistry between us that could not be described.  Ours was a crazy romance.  Nothing about our courting was normal or run of the mill.  I wanted to keep you in the category of “just sex”, but as time went on you pulled at my heart strings and all the rules I had laid out for myself fell gradually to the wayside.  You were a mess from the beginning.  You were in your mid thirties with a half-assed job, multiple baby mamas, no drivers license or place of your own.  You were always broke and I was always “driving the bus” trying to make things happen for us.  I just wanted to make you happy.  I know now that I gave way too much and expected too little.  So many of my friends tried to wake me up.  They told me not to give my all to you, but I wouldn’t listen.  They wanted me to see that so many things were stacked against us, distance being one of them, but the heart wants what the heart wants.  I never felt solid in the relationship.  I always felt disposable.  In the back of my mind I tried to rationalize that someone like you should be thankful that someone like me would be with them when you offered them so little. In my heart I didn’t think it mattered one way or the other.  I knew you held all the cards and I was just along for the ride until you broke my heart.

March 9th 2012 that happened.  I remember the moment when I read the words on your cowardly text telling me you were done.  I remember sitting next to my teenage son and him witnessing my face crumble into a mask of despair.  I remember paying the Chinese food store money to delivery dinner to my kids because I couldn’t cook them a meal a meal and crawling into bed feeling like I didn’t want to live.  I remember finally falling asleep and dreaming of your face.  I remember waking from the dream with sweat dripping from my forehead and CRAWLING into the bathroom and lying on the floor saying your name over and over.  I remember…

Then you came back…and you played with my heart.  You made love to me countless times in the passionate way we always had and told me you made a mistake.  I believed you when everyone else was telling me NOT TO.  And what did you do to me again?  You ENDED IT.  Why?  Because you had to get your life together and go to Las Vegas to move in with your best friend for an opportunity.  You DISCARDED me and our NEW BEGINNING to chase a dream two thousand miles away.  You didn’t even care that you broke the heart of a woman who was there for you and loved you.  You didn’t even care that I was going to be devastated.  You just cared about YOU.  You left not only ME, but also your own children on the East Coast.  How could I think that you cared for me when you apparently don’t even care for THEM?

I want to hate you.  I want to feel nothing for you.  I want my MIND and my HEART back.  I have gotten stronger, but every day I think of you.  Every night I sit at the window in my bedroom and look at the stars and WISH to hear from you.  All the while I waste countless precious seconds of my life when I probably never cross your mind.

Why did you use a woman with such a good heart?  You even told me that you know you will regret your decision one day.  WHY RISK IT THEN?  Or was that just bullshit to make me think I meant more then I did?  Why can’t I stop thinking of our memories?  The racetrack, the roadtrip to North Carolina, the late night movie watching, the mindblowing sex episodes that span three states?  WHY CANT I SMILE A TRUE SMILE?  What crosses my lips as a smile is a lie.  I am a ghost walking


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