you’re gone. we both fell hard and wrestled in our passionate sometimes crazed affair. waxing and waning like the moon. it’s hard to forget your shifting moods. the way you took me in through your glinting eyes in the candlelight by my apartment. the first few dates you refused to kiss me and built up the suspense. we plunged together and lost sight of our limbs in the middle of the night. i wish i had stayed. we never got a fair shot at this. when you decided to stop trying, i worried about ever being able to trust again, to love fully without creeping doubt. we promised each other everything. built up the walls around us in the imagined living room of our minds. i really believed you. i felt safe. now i’m not sure what safety looks like. my bones ache. my chest is sore. i am burning.
i let you go… because i love you. i want the best for you. i told you it might not be me. you didn’t disagree. you wanted to stop trying. you told me i can’t go either way. you pointed out my misgivings as if to contradict the deep feeling of belonging i felt with you. you hold grudges. and i’ll want to belong with you for a long time. you’ll keep making excuses.
i don’t think our contract is up. i have a hunch we’ll cross paths again. i hope next time you won’t hesitate. dig deep in yourself for that knowing, so next time you’ll be sure.
4 Comments
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You are more than my SoulMoon if your name in latin mean “Sea Of Stars”?
You so oh confuse me if this is you as I never wished for us to be where we are now strangers nearly. This is literally tearing my loving soul apart as is yours. Why do we have this confusion as you know what happened. You were the one who pulled away from me & yes I understand to an extent yet when you truly love someone who was going through what I was that is the toughest test of faith & compassion your meant to show? Not leave me at my greatest time of need? It pains me to even bring this up as yes I trust you, yes I love you, yes all is forgiven, I only want you to see why I acted so & said those horrible things which you did not deserve one bit. I love you woman who breathes everything I desire in a woman & who melted my heart that very first night.
Even last time we met you melted I know it & felt/saw how you reacted…why did you say you felt nothing when you most definitely did because when we embraced I knew I spoke the truth? Am I wrong? If you truly want the best for me as I do you then I ask you with all my heart lets start afresh, not again or anything close…completely from anew as if we are on a first date as we both have learnt our lessons and are still saying subconsciously, correct me if I’m wrong we love each other. I can be that man you have always wanted and you the woman I’ve always envisaged.
We can be what we both want you know as man & wife one day. I say here right now I promise to forever be a man who will uphold ever moral fibre, loving compassion, understanding, to truly listen, & most importantly which I know you need to hear to never lose my composure again & I won’t as I have done so much inner healing with many to ensure that’ll never happen again. I even know my triggers which when or if I’m allowed I will reveal all to you all the things I have learnt so I am a man I am now proud of. I can not say for you as I have not seen you in some time yet all I ask of you is to always be upfront & honest with your emotions, to talk with me immediately then and there, to not let it boil up or converse with others first but your partner? Me if I am so blessed. I wish to continue my faith in going to Church together? Even if only for a moment each week as this will allow us to bond even more especially the day God permits we could have the blessing of children? To go to Yoga together weekly, any time we can’t solve a challenge that upsets one or the other we take an oath to seek guidance counselling? To have a women’s/men’s only night once weekly as it is needed for two compelling souls as us. For me not to question you where & who for you will feel comfortable talking to me about your night as I will you? To also as you say never hold grudges as I am not the only one guilty of that I believe? I was more guilty yes but alas we both were never the less. I have written a love journey for “My Future Wife” & for me this represents what I abide by as this is what & who I wish to emulate. When ever right now I slip I will right in it to remind myself when, why & how I am going to never repeat this offence, no matter how little. It also contains all the great happy memories which will fill the majority of my life long journal. I have forgiven & moved past what happened & I say why not see that as the toughest test of our undying love for each other? I promise even if you do not that I shall never bring up the past again. Regardless of what happens from here.
Our contract is far from up….It can be God willing & if you agree to be only just the “Real Beginning” of the greatest love that ever existed-OURS & our future family entwined as one. To show you one more I will & want to do. I wish to take your family name when that day comes when you & I decide we are ready or if I am worthy of your hand in marriage. There comes a price though? I would like you to teach my your other language so I can further become a member of your large extended family.
What say you if this is you Mariana? I will be at that Italian restaurant come this Friday at noon. That is where I will await your decision. I ask you to come regardless if you feel what I’m saying doesn’t feel right with you. To have one last tea for me & coffee for you if you can’t bear a moment there longer than needed. I ask you this one last favour as then if you grant me this wish whatever your decision I will open this new chapter of you & I or I will gracefully & humbly close the chapter so you & I can smile at each others green gazes & know whether we are destined to be or to be the greatest lesson in love we both have ever come across. I hope in the Lord it is not the latter. Smile she who wooed this man & graced him with a love like he has never seen or felt before.
Thank you for taking the time to hear me out.
PS I hope dear author I have not confused you with the woman I just spoke of. I feel funny saying this yet if it isn’t her I am ever sorry for hijacking your loving letter & may you one day soon be graced with the love that I once held & hope to rekindle.
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Dear Beloved,
I am so sorry to tell you I am not the woman you speak of. I hope you find your dear Mariana and I hope someday someone loves me as much as you do her.
Best of luck
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Made me cry …
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PLease do not cry my love as we both have cried enough over each other. I ask you to smile like you once did when you saw me as I did you as I am now. I did wait Thursday & Friday & you gave me your answer which I thank you for the answer as I now say goodbye. I read you wished to but can’t. I wanted to know why & now I do not. Please stay strong & may you find all the love and happiness that I could not give you. May all your dreams & desires come true. I cannot say I will miss you or your family as they were a family any man would be proud of and privileged to be accepted as a son which they did. They truly moved me from the start.
Please know I will now go & this is the last you will ever hear or see from me. Our journey in this life has come to an end. Do not be sadden for as we both go forth now & we shall never look back or query our decision’s for now this chapter in the book of life is over & will soon be a distant memory & we will wonder if this ever happened or if it was but a dream. A dream that many could only wish they had for it was a dream that many will never experience a dream so powerful.
I am off to visit a family friend I have be wishing to see for some time now.
The End.
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