I don’t know how to go on without you. Even though i know that it’s truly over, that you don’t love me anymore, i still can’t accept it. You are even with someone else! This really hurts me, more than anything has hurt me as long as i remember. I know that I am a fool for loving you, for missing you and for wishing you were still with me. You tell me you had started to move on before we broke up. That makes me so sad and also mad! I wish i had known. But then again, what could i have done. The damage was already done by then, wasn’t it? You say we both weren’t happy. Maybe we weren’t, but i feel like we were definitely happy at times, more happy than i’d been in a long long time in my life.
I know that we probably weren’t really right for each other, but that doesn’t feel like it matters at all right now. I don’t know if there was ever going to be a right time for us to break up. And i know that i was always going to be the one that was hurt the most. I wish i was stronger. I wish I could move on. I wish i could let you go. I miss you so much. You know how much i love food! And i can’t even eat anymore, the pain is so bad. I wanted to be your everything, i wanted to be the one that changed how you felt about marriage and life long love. I am not that person and i hate thinking that you might meet someone else who is that person.
I want this pain to go away so badly. I know i can’t contact you anymore, even though you are the only person i want to talk to all the time. I know you don’t ever want me back, i know you don’t love me anymore. What i wouldn’t do to change that. I think about your face, your body, your eyes your hands, all the parts of you i knew so well and i miss so much. I hate thinking that someone else is getting these parts of you now. It makes me so so sick to my stomach. I don’t know how it was so easy for you to move onto her. How you can be intimate with her, when the thought of being with someone else repulses me. She is so lucky to have you, i hope she knows that. And i hate her so much for having you.
I pray for the strength to let you go. I pray for the strength to forgive you and wish you happiness. I hope that one day I can look back on us and be happy and accept it for what it was. That seems impossible now. Every day seems so hard, every breath so painful. I prayed at 11.11 every single time i could, that you and i would be together, from day one of our relationship! Every time you saw me mutter mutter, that’s what i was wishing for. I don’t think i’ll ever wish at 11.11 again. Angus, i love you, i miss you, i hope that i can move on. I never meant and still don’t mean to make your life difficult or miserable. I just want you to know my pain and that I will never ever forget you as long as i live. I can’t stop crying and i can’t accept what’s happened, i can’t stop loving you. I don’t know how i’m ever going to. I’m so scared, so alone. I made you my everything, what a stupid thing to do, because now i feel like i have nothing.