I know you may not ever read this but I am sending it anyway… please believe me thats its nothing to worry about or hurt you it’s a note that I hope helps you understand why I was how I was, and it’s me apologising and admitting my issues to you and myself.
I know I have a problem that may be with me for ever. It’s not your fault I have this. If I could completely control it please believe me I would have, especially for you…
My issue is that I just don’t or can’t believe that I am able to be loved by anyone…still after all my treatment and everything. It’s so hard to live with but I am strong and I know I’ll get through somehow. You needn’t worry.
I wish I could have listened to you properly and believed. I am sorry if I’ve made you feel awful and that I didn’t somehow want you or that you did something wrong.
I do understand how frustrated you must have been with me. I wish I could have been braver. I guess you’re right and that maybe I should always be on my own and I should just leave everyone alone at least until I am fixed completely.
I never meant to hurt you by being so unavailable. It is something I am really working hard on still and have been for quite some time. I guess it’s going to take me a long time to fully trust that someone may actually love me and I am worth it. I will keep trying for myself that I have promised to myself.
I have written this to say I am sorry if I’ve made you feel bad. I don’t blame you for ending it. I understand why you needed to do it.
I really, truly hope you are ok and I hope you have a lovely life, with someone special. You deserve to be happy and you are a catch. It was selfish of me to even try and have a relationship with you and I really am devastated that I caused you so much trauma. I know I have to move on without you, as much as every part of me misses you and just wants a hug and kiss from you and wishes it would all be better. But I know you wouldn’t be able to handle me being so flakey even if you wanted me again and it would drive you crazy. I am so sorry and I hope I haven’t messed you up.
I can’t lie and say its easy to even contemplate letting you go. Its been 2 months now and I still cant stop wishing and hoping I could have let you in always, like you deserved. But I know me loving you and having my doubts about my self worth is poison for you.
I hope I will get there one day as all I really want from life now is to have my own family and feel loved and normal.
Please don’t give up on getting your dog and chickens because of me.
I may not be good at this but I do mean this note to be something positive for you.
P x x x