My awareness…

My awareness…

My awareness…

D

I know you may not ever read this but I am sending it anyway… please believe me thats its nothing to worry about or hurt you it’s a note that I hope helps you understand why I was how I was, and it’s me apologising and admitting my issues to you and myself.

I know I have a problem that may be with me for ever. It’s not your fault I have this. If I could completely control it please believe me I would have, especially for you…

My issue is that I just don’t or can’t believe that I am able to be loved by anyone…still after all my treatment and everything. It’s so hard to live with but I am strong and I know I’ll get through somehow. You needn’t worry.

I wish I could have listened to you properly and believed. I am sorry if I’ve made you feel awful and that I didn’t somehow want you or that you did something wrong.

I do understand how frustrated you must have been with me. I wish I could have been braver. I guess you’re right and that maybe I should always be on my own and I should just leave everyone alone at least until I am fixed completely.

I never meant to hurt you by being so unavailable. It is something I am really working hard on still and have been for quite some time. I guess it’s going to take me a long time to fully trust that someone may actually love me and I am worth it. I will keep trying for myself that I have promised to myself.

I have written this to say I am sorry if I’ve made you feel bad. I don’t blame you for ending it. I understand why you needed to do it.

I really, truly hope you are ok and I hope you have a lovely life, with someone special. You deserve to be happy and you are a catch. It was selfish of me to even try and have a relationship with you and I really am devastated that I caused you so much trauma. I know I have to move on without you, as much as every part of me misses you and just wants a hug and kiss from you and wishes it would all be better. But I know you wouldn’t be able to handle me being so flakey even if you wanted me again and it would drive you crazy. I am so sorry and I hope I haven’t messed you up.

I can’t lie and say its easy to even contemplate letting you go. Its been 2 months now and I still cant stop wishing and hoping I could have let you in always, like you deserved. But I know me loving you and having my doubts about my self worth is poison for you.

I hope I will get there one day as all I really want from life now is to have my own family and feel loved and normal.

Please don’t give up on getting your dog and chickens because of me.

I may not be good at this but I do mean this note to be something positive for you.

Sorry

P x x x

1 Comment

  1. You Are Perfect In My Eyes 6 years ago

    Dear Author please forgive me for writing this as this green eyed man has only compassion & guilt for he was with a green eyed wonder like yourself & your story has pulled my heartstrings to the moon & back. Whoever you are remember you are beautiful & to say such loving things means so much especially to me. Never give up please. If only you said these things to him. You wouldn’t be writing this now & it is never too late for love can conquer all if you will it & want it. It is too late for me as I responded unkindly for I was hurting so much it was literally killing me:( This is what I would say to her if I was told this.

    Your loving heart broken tale is one so similar to mine, even the first letter of my name. I wonder & though I highly doubt it your words, three full stops & many other similarities make me only wish. If I only had one wish it would be to embrace you tenderly in my arms, whilst you rest your heavy head on my chest, our hearts still beating in time to the rhythm of the love we will always have for one another, as my hand caresses aimlessly through your main of aromatic hair & say to you “I understand my love, for now I know. I promise I will always be here for you darling, day or night heaven or hell for I am your man & I shall not fail you.

    All I ask is for you to talk to me whenever your feeling this way so I too can cope & put myself in your shoes to be the strength when you feel weak, when you are low so then I can make you high? High on life for when with you your longing eyes make me smile & I always smiled because that is how much I felt the love from you. For me to always listen to your every need, whatever you want as I am your man & you are my world. There is nothing I want to change about you bar one thing? For us to fall deeper & deeply so madly in unconditional true love more & more ever day till the day we meet our maker.

    Yes I would want nothing more & would be honoured to be your man for if you saw this now if we were gazing at each other as I now speak…I would be on my knee…..only that would have to wait as I would have to ask your father first as is tradition & the honourable thing to do. You my Wonder Woman who wooed this man that very first night, yes YOU, you have yet again strengthen my belief tha I can & will never doubt you again for all eternity. How could I not love you my Queen? For you never cease to amaze me for a woman who still cares & tries to protect me because she believed she wasn’t good enough for me & to communicate in such a loving manner my heart melts as if butter & bread. I should say chocolate with you:)

    It I who failed you MY LOVE as I wasn’t strong enough to hold you up through these dark times & therefore I wasn’t MAN enough to be the pillar of strength a man should be. I am sorry to crack under all the load which was never you. You tried your best & protected your venerable open honest heart that I didn’t take enough heed or care for I became engulfed in losing you. The one & only thing in this world that was my everything. You were my heaven on Earth & I thank God everyday he graced me by sending me one of his daughters…An Angel Of Love. You wonder why my heart has always been yours & always will be if you so choose for we brought together for a reason, fate doesn’t even come close & that is because I Love you as you do I… We were destined to be a match made in heaven.

    I won’t give up I promise…..I ask you then? Don’t give up on me & be my LOVE once more if that is what you want for I can not ask you anything as I have no right for you are not mine ATM. We can do this…BELIEVE ;D

    LOVE

    D

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