What was I hoping from you? Why was it so hard to let go?
A deep, close friendship/relationship where we could tell each other anything. Where we could always have each other’s backs. Where there would be mutual give and take. Where we’d invite each other places and draw closer to one another’s friends and family. To feel the warmth and welcome of your home and family. To be the one to write you letters once you finally achieve your Mormon mission dream. To have been there in your hobbies, interests, and you in mine. To do it all together.
It would have been so sweet to look back and say we ended up with our first loves. That as young teens we loved and as adults we endured and became something beautiful, real, deep, and meaningful. To have actually gotten married and have the kids I would never otherwise have. I was honest when I said you were the exception in the topic of children. I do wonder what kind of kids we would have come up with (looks, personality, and otherwise). Such a far-fetched dream…
I wish I could apologize and wish you well, but I know the best favor I’m doing you is by not imposing my existence. How to love myself again?
It’s a good thing I’ve taken myself to seek professional help. I need all the help I can get.