Dearest Darling Baby,

I had a dream. In the yard, I dug up a time capsule and opened it…opened up all the memories of you, love and all the hopes and dreams I’ve ever written.

Today you would be a senior in high school, planning senior pictures and trips, college and work. I would give you a hug and kiss…hand you this time capsule and show you everything in it. But I cannot. I will write this story, this letter, and hope you will understand because I love you so much.

Once upon a time, a teenager was pregnant but had a miscarriage at almost five months in her pregnancy. The next day, her lover took her to the doctor’s office, demanding she get birth-control shots, pills or something. The teenager is upset and shocked at the insensitive things he said and his selfish desires. He is so concerned about his physical needs, yet doesn’t consider her pain. She had bought clothes and toys, supplies and was preparing for the baby’s arrival. When she lost baby, she lost herself, physically, cognitively and mostly emotionally. Then the two lovers break up and he leaves with another woman. The teenager is hurt, deeply and throws herself into unhealthy relationships-one after another.

Baby, it is a sad tale. I’m sorry I had to write something so sad about you and I because we have been “veterans” in this war of love. It is almost Veteran’s Day and I thought about you. I forgot about you but just remembered recently. I held you in my hand for such a short time. You were cold, stiff and lifeless. So small…I wish I took pictures of you. I wish I named you. I’m so sorry, baby. I was so young and my heart was literally ripped in two, like a broken locket.

Once upon a time, I fell in love with a wonderful, beautiful teenager. When I see raindrops and hear the pitter-patter of rain, I think of him. One wintry day, the fog surrounded the parking lot and looked like dense clouds on earth. I remember him holding me in my arms and resting his chin on my head. It started to rain but we didn’t care. Drops trickled down from his hair and at that moment, he was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. A lock of thick hair fell over one eye and he smiled. Even with braces, the smile warmed my heart and I loved him so. There was the time he gave me glow in the dark stickers and told me to reach for the stars-you’ll never know where it would take you. He gave me a badminton birdie (Mom loves playing badminton) and said I can fly as high as I wanted. At his graduation, I gave him a big, fluffy teddy bear with a bow, he was a teddy bear beyond compare. When I see the ocean waves, I think about how soft and gentle he was, a voice that rippled like waves…soothing and refreshing like the cool and salty sea air mist. There’s so much more to this time capsule, but I need to stop here. Please understand, baby.

The other day, I had a dream. But it was real. On the island, it was Arbor Day and they gave away free trees. I picked one for you and planted it. I picked flowers for you…I picked a name for you. They say that at a person’s death is where one realizes how much that person impacted you.

You have impacted me. Today I bought colored pens with rings to clip to my lanyard. I will use these to “color” my writing, like you have. I wear a crystal bead bracelet of soft, pastel shades to remind me of you and how you inspire me. Baby, you died, but you are alive in me. In my heart, a greenhouse growing and thriving, a tree house where you live, tucked away, forever. We have been “veterans” in this war of love, but for that we are stronger. I will carry a torch for you, for the rest of my life. It will inspire me to write and rewrite. Edit and revise my life and for that I am thankful. Mom is a hopeless romantic, a dreamer and loves life. I never told you I love to write, draw, create and if I ever write a children’s book, I will dedicate it to you. I love you baby, my sweet little baby

Love,

Mom