I know you will probably never read this letter … I really just want this pain to end !
Hi Ibrahim, Ib, Habibi
I read your letter, thank you for writing it… I listened, I’m so sorry you felt the way you did. I hate that I still love you and I hate that I still miss you every day. I can’t believe that we were only together for 10 months and I feel like I lost a piece of me.
I NOW realize that me leaving had nothing to do with kids / no kids/ adoption/no adoption. I would have been fine without kids if I had YOU, the man I fell in love with. I know NOW that it had to do with us. I was not happy and didn’t know how to fix us anymore. I felt alone in our relationship, like I was the only one making an effort. Babe, we should have seen a councilor to help figure out those triggers, to help us work with those times when you were “out of the relationship” and thrive in the times “when you were in”. It felt like you were in and out all the time. You wanted to be close then you pushed me away. I felt like you were feeling great about us then all of a sudden you were feeling overwhelmed and like a switch you were removed. I felt unsafe in our relationship and vulnerable , I started putting up a wall and I felt like I couldn’t trust that when you wanted to be close, you wanted to be there and for how long? I lost some trust when you told me you would leave if I got accidentally got pregnant. Babe, it would have been US that got pregnant … Not just me. It just made me feel like “having my back” was conditional and on your terms:(
I am sorry you felt I pulled the wool over your head. I am not really sure how we got to where we got to, we stopped talking about the highs and lows, you started to only come for sleepovers and not hanging out – I should have come over more no matter if i had to pack a suitcase, food and a dog, we just stopped talking. I felt like you shut me out and I didn’t know how to get back in. I loved you so much we were going to travel around the world together!!! I was your biggest fan! I believed in your dreams! I applied to a job in New York, because you wanted to live there, I started looking for places in Kelowna because we both loved it … I just wanted to be with you, feel close to you, create memories with you. All I wanted to do is spend time with you and I felt like you said “no” a lot. I am sorry you felt there were “so many mixed signals”, I am sad that you felt like you should have ended it sooner, and it sucks that you couldn’t talk to me about it. Being intimate is one of the ways that I liked to express my love for you and feel that deeper bond with you. I didn’t know how to cope with all of this. I started seeing a therapist in February to help me with all of these feelings, emotions, and thoughts. I felt like you didn’t want to talk to me about any of this anymore … I felt alone in a relationship where things should have felt stronger and deeper. The day that crazy man pointed a gun in my direction and you never came over was the day I knew you gave up on us. I never felt so unloved by you – that broke me. I too am sad and I know the role I played in all of this.
I know I have put myself out there again with this letter and I risk being vulnerable again. I feel my life was meant to be with you, from the moment I saw you, you are my missing piece, you are my calm, and you are the only one that I want to dance with. I just needed you to share the lead and show me how to be with you …