You don’t deserve to be happy.

You don’t deserve to be happy.

You don’t deserve to be happy.

Dear Jen,

It’s been a year this week and it still feels like yesterday, you’re the first thing I think of and the last thing I think of every day. I see or hear you in almost everything and I can’t believe it’s been a whole year since you so easily broke my heart and threw me away. I feel in love with you the night I met you and I thought that’s when our life together started but I guess for you it wasn’t, you needed that ring. I know I made a lot of mistakes but it wasn’t all me. We could have fixed it but you always looked at everything as the worst case scenario. So that was it for you… you wronged me, I hope you know that. I can only assume the lies you told people about me were to cover your own guilt and shame. It still breaks my heart everyday. I’m constantly torn between how much I hate you and how much I still love and miss you. In the last year I’ve dated and gone out with several girls but nothing was ever the same so it never lasted, it was just filler to occupy the hole you left in me, they could never fill it though no matter how much I liked them I couldn’t love them because the way I loved you set the standard for me and it’ll be hard to ever get that again. I assume someday I’ll settle but it won’t be the same.

It said a lot to me that you were in another serious relationship a few months later. That hurt me so much, the downward spiral of binge drinking that lasted six months before I was able to control it came back like a punch in the face. It kills me inside but I get it, you need someone.. you’re a childish, selfish, spoiled mommy & daddy’s girl and you need someone to take care of you..

Coincidentally my life started getting better after you dumped me (aside from the crippling depression, insomnia and constant drinking) I had more money, I lost 20 pounds, I got that great job that I always wanted and I bought a new Jeep I even started seeing a therapist and I’m making progress with myself and I’ve grown a lot, I’ve matured and I look at things differently and I see what I want in life, I’m helping myself. But there’s always that one thing missing… you, not you now the you when we were together, I miss the happiness I felt with you but I know that’s gone and it’s never coming back, we’ll never be together again.

You sat in front of me, looked me in the eyes and told me how much you loved me, that I was your soulmate and that you’d never get over me but love wasn’t enough…

You were wrong.

I hope you see that now, you traded real love for and idea, the way you thought things were supposed to be.

I hope you’re finding everything you thought you deserved and I hope you’re getting the all help you so clearly need.

I hope someday you’ll stop avoiding places I might be and we can at least be friendly and talk a little if we run into each other. I do miss talking to you so much.

I will always love you and I hope someday down the line our roads will intersect again and we’ll find each other.

Mike.

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