There is this thing I always think about and I wish that I didn’t but whenever there is silence in my life, my mind thinks about you and everything we could have been. Some people may wonder why I bother writing this. I know you can’t see this, but it is a way for me to get my final feelings and thoughts out; feelings and thoughts I need to tell you even though you don’t want to hear them.
From the moment we started talking, we clicked. I knew that would be the start of an amazing relationship. I was right. You were perfect in every way possible.
I want to remember the happy moments- moments I cherish to this day because they bring a smile to my face. I am confident to say that I did love you deeply and it was not infatuation. We can’t help who we end up falling in love with; how I feel isn’t something I can control. Every time we were together, I was happy- I truly was. Our break up was hard for me.
I still remember the first date we had, the first kiss we had, the first time you spoke to me, the first time we hugged and you whispered the words that created knots and butterflies in my stomach, that forced upon a smile on my face. The words that made me blush and smile still to this day. I remember the inside jokes we had and how everyday spent with you was the best day of my life. You were mine.
I feel like I’ve been here before, but in a way this time is so different. It’s definitive. Final. I guess the reason I’m so hung up on you is because of all the promises we made, but never kept. I regret all the chances I never took with you. The times I never snuck out, and when I never told you I loved you when you needed to hear it.
You have her, whoever she is, whatever you two are. I so desperately want you to never feel this way about someone again, but that is simply not fair. You deserve happiness, but I deserved closure. I hope more than anything in this world that I don’t become a burden upon you. I don’t want to be the one you’re glad you lost, but the one that got away. The worst part is that everyone tells me, “you’ll find your way back if it’s meant to be,” but how will I know? Fate is a big bitch, she’s tricky as hell. Yet, on some level I find comfort in the fact that I don’t know what will happen to you and her in three months, or if you and I will find our way back to one another. It’s almost like I’m scared to let go of you because I don’t know if I’ll ever love someone as much as I love you.
I am just so confused. How could you? Why did you? Those are the two answers that I don’t think I’ll ever get. Ending it with you was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to go to, I mean I love you, I wanted everything with you, we planned living together, we planned our marriage, we planned our kids, we even planned their names. And yes, at 16 that may seem to early but it felt so right.
However, it does not change the fact that I was genuinely happy. When I was angry and hurt, I tried to discount those memories and the entire relationship. But I can’t lie to myself – I do care about you and despite whatever happens in the future, I want you to be happy too, whether I am in the picture or not. I don’t regret our time together and I still want to thank you for giving me a chance to love. It is not easy to give your heart away to someone – to create that level of vulnerability and give someone the power to be able to hurt you. However, I don’t regret the relationship. I wish we had ended things on a better note.
I remember, June 1st, you texted me asking how I felt about being pregnant and you not being there. I didn’t know how I felt at that time, but now I do. I always wanted to believe that you had feelings for me. I guess I just wanted to know that the father of my baby did, at one point, feel something for me, that for 3 years together, you weren’t just faking it. I thought of you every day, and our baby kicking me only made me miss you even more. A few weeks before I got that text, I had an ultrasound. I found out that our baby was growing normally and everything looked good. I also found out I was expecting a girl. Leah Lynn. That was what we had planned to name our first baby girl. Two weeks after I got that text, exactly 20 weeks into the pregnancy, I had a miscarriage. That was one of the saddest days of my life, not just because I lost a baby, but because I lost the one part of you I still had left.
I don’t know what happens after this. I imagine I try to cherish the memories, try to forget your place in my heart, and try to move on. I do not know if I will meet someone else who will make me feel the same way. I just want to feel protected, loved, and respected by someone who will take responsibility and stay by my side when I need them the most, when I acted irrationally because I was scared and insecure, a time when I had just needed a bit longer for you to reassure me that you were going to stay by my side while I sorted through my emotions.
You’ll always have a place in my heart. I always love you, but I realize now you were never worth my mascara running. So thank you for showing me love, for showing me what it feels like to care about someone, and for showing me who I can trust and who I can’t. You took the best of me with you when you left.
I want you to know that I have since forgiven you for leaving me at a time when I needed you.