I really didn’t think I would write to you anymore and I didn’t know if I would ever again. But I found that I had some last words and it’s taken me a lot to even put the effort forth in typing this. I don’t expect you to understand me entirely but I have always cared for you more than anything else in my life. I am at a point with us now that I know I have to move on. But moving on for me never meant forgetting about you or not caring about you. It was the fact of not knowing what we would be or thinking about you being in my life. I can’t think about that now because frankly I know what I want but you don’t. That’s fine because you need more time and so I have to forget about that and focus on what I want. For me I moved pasted the breakup fast because I understood that it needed to happen so we could grow and learn. I’ve changed so much and what I know now will really makes me a far better man in the future. For me I wanted to reconnect with you and maybe try again if we both felt the attraction we once did. It was never going to be simple with you Steph but love will never be simple. So I guess I just have some last things to say before I let you go and discover what you want in your life. This is how I thought and what I think.
How I saw you,
Remember when we were at summer fest and were trapped in the crowd. That really can show you how I have always wanted to protect you and care for you. I never liked you getting sad or hurt. So I stuck by you and protected you no matter what happened and I would never have let go. To me you were a priceless possession, something too great to loose, and a person who meant more to me than anything else. No matter what I would have given my life for you and put my upmost love forth to take care of you. I went back to you so fast after I broke up with you for that reason and because I realized that you really were the love of my life. I saw you and all your flaws but I still thought the best of you Steph Roberts. I saw a sweet and wonderful lady that I wanted to marry one day. In my eyes I saw everything about you but still thought that you had the beauty of angels and the most precious of hearts. See everyone has flaws but they only make you different than others but no less more perfect in your own way. I loved who you were and who you became with me. We grew with each other and as we grew I always wanted to be the person to help you along the way. I wanted to be the person that could tell you things that you didn’t see in yourself. To me I saw a life, a love and person that I wanted to be with forever.
What I wanted,
I always wanted you from the start of our friendship and I really fell in love with the person I wanted to be with. I can’t say I have always known what I’ve wanted in my life. You know that I was always afraid to commit to anything or say anything that I didn’t know. The future scared me and I really was too young to understand what I wanted. Really though I have to say that I always wanted you in my life. I truly understood that after I broke up with you. The reason I got sick of telling you why is because I regretted doing that to the love of my life. There is no greater pain then hurting someone you love. There are so many things that I have always wanted to do with you but we never got the chance or I just didn’t do it when I could have. This year has been very hard and stressful for me. Being a RA and an engineering major has sucked the life out of me. Also the future scared me and I was growing up so fast and didn’t know what would happen. I turned into someone I don’t even recognize to be myself. I wish we would have talked more and really had a greater presence in each other’s lives. You see you were the best part of my life and the only sure thing in it. So when life gets in the way sometimes you lose track of the things that mean the most to you. I really regret not doing so much back then but truly I can’t change that so I can only learn. It’s true though that we both didn’t tell each other about our stress and our feelings. We never ran out of love Steph, we really just grew apart into different stressful lives. I know that if we only would have pulled each other closer we could have done anything together. See we loved each other so much and I know that we truly had something special and unexplainable. In all I really know that we aren’t perfect and we have made mistakes. But we really had a love and a connection that was greater than anything. What I have always wanted was you and I have never lied about my feelings for you.
Seeing you the other day really made me happy but it also made me think a lot. You cried and showed a lot of emotion. A lot of things made me think about what you thought. I don’t really know if you regret it at all but I do know you are having a hard time. That makes me sad because I have always cared so much about you. I really wanted to know how you have been because days earlier I had decided you didn’t care at all for me anymore and would never talk to me again. The thing that stills hurts me inside is that I still want to protect you and care for you but I know that I can’t. I don’t want you to do anything you would regret or anything that would take away from yourself. When you started crying in my room and I hugged you and didn’t want to let go because I know I could always comfort you. I am sorry we probably should have talked about our future more, instead of making it harder on you. See right now we can’t be friends. We are in a weird place in our lives and have to really discover what we want and who we are. You laughed at me the other night but truly Steph I was showing you love and care. What’s a man to do if he can’t express himself to the ones he loves and cares for? Maybe you don’t understand but I am different than most and I don’t give up caring even when someone hurts me. You said you have gone through this before with loosing friends but you have never lost a best friend like me.
Now it’s really unknown what will happen in our lives. But we have to really understand who we are before we can try to understand where we want to be. But for me I can’t dwell on what will happen with us when there’s nothing I can do but let time unravel itself. You need to really figure things out by yourself and everyone is different so that could take a long time. But I know I must let you do that. We may be risking any future we have with each other but I think we just need to let life happen. I am done thinking about what will be and I am living my life now. I have learned from my past and now is the time for me to build upon myself. I really hope you do the same and find the strength within yourself to fight for you. I truly know you are a strong woman and can do anything if you put your mind to it. Don’t say you quit on us Steph. We may have ended it very fast but sometimes things happen for a reason. Like my life with you happened for a reason and it really made us into better people. We really had a lifelong impact on each other and I will never forget you and the memories we shared. You said I wasn’t the person that you needed back then but I was. You where the person I needed, we just didn’t understand how much we needed each other. No matter what I can say that I will always love you and care for you as one of the best of friends. Now is are time to trust in ourselves and god. For nothing is certain but as long as we trust that things will find their way, they will. Always know that you will be in my heart and I will be here if you ever need someone. I would love to know that we can be together in some form again but that is really something that is unknown. It could be days, weeks, months or years until we are in each other’s lives again, or maybe never. I can only hope that one day I can stare into your eyes again and smile knowing that you’ll smile back. It feels good to write this because these are my feelings and they mean so much to me just as you have always meant so much to me. Thanks for being my lady and loving me for me. This time will be hard but I know we will come out of it stronger and really find what we want in life. Overall we had the best of times and those times will always make me think of how wonderful it was to have you in my life.
With Love and Care,