I know you want nothing to do with me. I know you have moved on, and will continue to lead your life the way you have before – to meet the expectations of those that depend on you and to meet your own. I suspect that whatever love, affection, and friendship that you once adorned for me now consists of hate, spite, and anomisity – undestandably so, since without closure these provide the best and fastest way for you to move on. And initially, it worked for me too.
But I can’t keep dragging myself on the floor like this. Every day, these burdens of unsaid thoughts gain more and more leverage than times past, and conflict with whatever notion I created to convince myself that with time, I will get over you.
Before I continue, I just want you to know why I am writing this. It is not because I hope we get back together, it is not because I wish things were different – they suck now, and that’s ok – it is not because I want to blame you. I write what I write simply because I cannot take it any longer to burden myself so. I write what I write because not because I lost your love. I write what I write because I lost my best friend. I lost my coach.
I remember the moment I officially entered your life as a lover/partner, we were both out of our minds (literally), and you made a semi-hesitant, semi-regretful decision to change your relationship status on facebook. I will never forget that night. I brought so much baggage to you from the start, yet you never turned me down for it. You helped me confront so many things that I was simply not ready to confront, no matter the difficulty or pain involved in it.
I have no regrets with the ties we had with each other, not because of the innumerous things i have learned being with you and from you – i have no regrets because i have simply learned the most invaluable lesson of my life: that there is so much more to learn, and the learning never stops – and sometimes, we have to relearn things over and over again, simply due to the fallacies associated with being human.
I understand now that I entered and left our relationship in an unhealthy manner. I learned that i cannot base my purpose, happiness, and independence through someone else – girlfriend, parents, friends. I was put here on this earth to do one thing- one thing that I can do better than anyone else – one thing that will change the world and help someone, somewhere, at sometime – even if it is just one person, my task will be complete. The biggest difficulty in my life is finding what that thing will be.
The biggest step towards being found is admitting you are lost. I am lost, again like i was before i met you. but it’s different this time. i’m different this time. i’m still plagued by the same insecurities, the same barriers, the same negativity. but now i feel that i am right where i belong – alongside my burdens. I need the time that comes with being alone. No one can change me for the better or the worse than me. It’s been exactly one month since we have said a word to each other. At first, i was fine. I was even happy. Our relationship went from being great to an exemplary case of what happens when immaturity breeds more immaturity. A point was reached where we both decided that the best thing to do is move on. Through this, slowly, inch by inch, I’ve been completely engulfed in the worst sadness I’ve ever known. I lost more than just you – i lost a very dear companion. For the first time in my life, i was with someone who knew who i was, who i wasn’t, and who i wanted to be, and, for the first time, i lost that person. Like opium, you’re absence slung me high into air and even lower into the ground thereafter. Before I started writing this paper, I transgressed from the point of depression into feeling nothing. Empty inside, I felt hallow, depressed – for too many days, i spend my time just lying in bed and sleeping. Sleep takes me away from it all, dreams are free and full of so many wonderful things. I sleep until I can’t sleep any longer, and then i wake up to a grey and empty reality and then I just lay in bed for hours after, crying, trying to forget, then remembering more, and then crying more. Then i eventually drag myself out of bed and try to go my way, making up for the time lost throughout the day. Even now, I am so behind on all of my work, but all my soul wants to do is to write this to you. And at the point I started this sentence, I can slowly feel the hollowness lift off of me.
I don’t know what to expect if you read this. You might just tear it up when you’re done (if you don’t tear it up initially). I just want you to know that I miss you and wish only the best for you. I wish you a life full of happiness, love, fulfillment, and meaning. You are an amazing person, fully capable of keeping toe-to-toe with any difficulty or circumstance you find yourself in. You are strong, beautiful, intelligent, funny, and nerdy. These are things inherent in your nature. Do not let anyone else ever put you down to the point in which you need to declare to yourself and to others your own brilliance – that is an ungrounded tactic for inflated fools and goes nowhere to let shine the brilliant light that you have.
I recently came across the idea of there being 3 types of people who play a role in our lives: the angel, who comes to us as a miraculous gift, helps us grow, live, be free. The angel watches over us, and aids and guides us in our journeys. You were initially my angel. Every time I hear the song “You Found Me” by the Fray, I think about you. “Lost and insecure, You found me, you found me
Lyin’ on the floor” – that night were I was drunk and passed out in the hall of our dorms, you found me, and invited me to come out with you guys that night in a fireball-laden outing. Regardless of the atrocity that my stomach had to put up with, I feel happy that you found me that day. Then there’s the other 2 types of people: mirrors and crystal balls. You were also my crystal ball, in that my experiences with you, i developed an expectancy of what my future should be – full of children, animals, and a big family. These things do not come without responsibility, sacrifice, and devotion – things I will need to develop for my future.
Finally, you were my mirror. The last couple fights we had – the last time we said anything to each other – all caused by my immaturity in dealing with a subject at hand. And you responded to immaturity with a version of your own immaturity. I know understand that the world is your mirror. Your inner world directly influences the inner worlds of those around you. You deserved to be immature with me, because I was being immature with you. I now understand that, to be loved, you must give love. To receive friendship, you must give friendship. To teach, you must first be willing to learn. To be empowered, you must empower others. Through you, I met every type of person that could play a role in my life, and I am glad to say I learned so much.
In my dreams we never said goodbye. In my dreams, you’re head still rests on my chest. In my dreams, you’re still dreaming about us and the life we could’ve had. Still, I’ve accepted the reality that you’ve moved on and don’t want anything to do with me. I want to thank you, because I’m stronger now because of these circumstances. I know that I am not ready to commit myself to a serious relationship again – I simply have too many things to do for myself before I can make an investment into any partner. To offer my best, I need to become my best. Thank you for showing me that.
I can’t expect anything from you. I know you have said that when you are done with someone, you are done. But in my heart and soul, i wish us to remain friends, because you were my best companion. I know you already have all the support you need, and all the friends you could ask for, but no matter how little the chance of it happening is, I will always be here for you whenever you need it (i doubt you ever will), as a friend, as a mirror, as an angel, as a crystal ball. Or just as a companion.
Forever with love,