Leave me alone, I don’t want you back.

Leave me alone, I don’t want you back.

Leave me alone, I don’t want you back.

Dear Spencer,

I didn’t realize how stifling our relationship was until I ended things, and suddenly I felt a burst of freedom. When I broke up with you I took the blame in order to spare your feelings, but I’m still angry about how you treated me.

I’ve been trying to put you out of my mind but you aren’t letting me do so. I got a message from you today. You told me that you think I’m beautiful, you miss me and that we should go out to a bar together. I didn’t respond to your text—I’m writing this letter instead.

I know you have self esteem issues. I know you hate your curly hair. I know you wish you had a straighter nose, and a manlier jaw. I know you wish you were well endowed. When I was your girlfriend, I knew all of these things and I didn’t tease you about them. I told you I loved you the way you are, and was supportive.

But this was not enough for you. You needed to make me feel bad about myself to have power over me. I don’t think I have ever been as insulted as I was the day you told me “Your parents are wealthy, right? They could afford to get you breast implants if you asked for them.” I should have broken up with you then and there.

I know I have small boobs, and I am trying to be accepting of the body I was born with. I have never misled you about my body. I don’t wear push up bras or anything of the like. If you had that much issue with my body, you shouldn’t have asked me out in the first place. I’ve never insulted your dick size or asked you to get surgery and never would have dreamed of saying something so awful.

You also would continuously disrespect my family. You always made comments about how wealthy my parents are, and asked me if you could get benefits from them—if they would take you on family vacations with us, or if my dad could offer you a job. First off, we’re not even rich, we’re just a middle class family. Secondly, my parents have worked incredibly hard for what they do have, and you do not deserve anything from them.

You act like my parents had everything handed to them on a silver platter, when in reality they started off with close to nothing. My parents’ first apartment didn’t have a bed, only a mattress on the floor, and they had to save up for months to afford buying a dishwasher. Everything they have now is due to years of hard work. And I’m sorry if I had a more privileged childhood than you, but maybe you should also take into account that my parents only had to support two kids, while your parents are supporting four.

You tried to cheat on me. You lied to another girl, telling her you were single while you were still dating me. She asked you specifically about me, and you told her we were “just friends”. You thought you had a chance with her, so you broke up with me but kept leading me on in case you would decide to take me back. She didn’t want to be with you, so suddenly you were back at my door saying you were sorry and it was all a mistake. I was a fool for taking you back.

You make me feel bad about myself. I can’t be myself around you. You only like me when I’m silly or playful, or when I’m in the mood for sex. But if I want to have any type of serious, deep, or intellectual conversation you shut me down. You use this catch-all excuse of me being smarter than you, to stop those conversations from happening.

I don’t know if I’m smarter than you, but I definitely am more knowledgeable. You must be living in a bubble because I don’t understand how someone could not know about the housing bubble collapse, about the recession that happened in 2008, about the foreclosures, about Bernie Madoff, and Trayvon Martin, and the Sandy Hook shooting, and the two Malaysian air flights that crashed. You’re ignorant about anything big that happens in the world because you are too caught up in your own life and your own family and don’t care about anything else.

I can’t talk to you. I love talking, but talking to you is like talking to a wall. You’re always quiet. If you don’t know what I’m talking about you shut down, but you don’t try to instigate a new conversation either. You’re not passionate about anything. You don’t have interests. You’re not self-motivated. I have to push you to do work—Sometimes I felt like I was your mom, not your girlfriend. Five months after your graduation you accomplished absolutely nothing. The only thing you did was update your website, and I had to babysit you through that task.

You’re not strong. You let people push you around instead of making decisions for yourself, and then you whine about it. You wanted to do a solo project in your final year of school, but didn’t have the balls to tell your friends you didn’t want to work with them. Instead you ended up working on a project you didn’t like, and have been complaining about it for over a year. Get over yourself. Stop whining, grow a pair, and make the choices you want to make. I’m always hearing your complaints about how you did something you didn’t want to do, because person x, y or z pushed you into it. Just say no for once.

You never went out of your way to do something nice for me. After months of being together, we hadn’t had a first date because you hadn’t thought of the perfect idea yet. Clearly you will never think of the perfect idea, because we ended up going on a generic movie date after I got frustrated with your lack of decisions. I’m not so traditional as to believe the man should pay for everything, but the fact that you usually didn’t pay for me made me feel like you didn’t care about me.

After the ‘cheating’ incident you told me you would fly over to visit me, to make amends. And originally it did sound like a romantic notion. But it stopped being romantic once you started trying to guilt me to pay for your ticket after you had already agreed to come. I did pay for half of your ticket, but I felt awful about how I was paying so that you could come and make it up to me in person. I still feel like it was a waste of money.

I’ve only ever gotten one ‘present’ from you. It was an old sweater of yours and your childhood teddy bear. But it was a present on lease—you were leaving it with me for an indefinite amount of time, but the stuff still belonged to you. And then when I broke up with you, ironically this gift cost me money. I had to pay $10 shipping to send you your stupid stuff back.

When we were together you tried to manage my life. I am not lazy like you are. I am a self-motivated person. I am strong, and I know what I want out of life. But because you were unhappy about your own thesis you tried to live vicariously through my project—since I’m a year under you in school. I did not appreciate or need you directing my project when you didn’t even know how to direct your own project, or your own life.

Why should I take advice from a boy who can’t get a single productive thing done in five months? Why should I take advice on work from a guy who spends his time fishing and swimming at a pool, and going to bars with his siblings, instead of accomplishing anything?

I don’t respect you anymore. You stayed at my house, but were scared of meeting my parents and didn’t make an effort to talk to them even though they tried incredibly hard to be welcoming to you. You are lazy. You need people to direct you so that you get stuff done. You don’t stand up for yourself. You’re not passionate. You’re jealous of how I’ve been on vacations, which is ironic considering that when you go to a new place you just want to lie in a hammock all day instead of going out. You’re emotionally manipulative. You say things with the intention of hurting people.

Being with you has forced me to learn to stand up for myself more. I don’t like confrontations, but you pushed me to the point where it needed to happen. Being with you has also taught me what not to look for in a guy.

I think you believe that with enough time we could end up together again. That maybe my anger will fade and I will welcome you back with open arms. That will never happen. Sure, time fades and heals emotions. But the memories will linger and there were definitely more bad ones than good. Why would I want to go back to that?

I hope you will be better for the next girlfriend you find, but somehow I doubt that.

Please stop contacting me,




  1. Nina 5 years ago

    Dear Noelle!
    I was just writing a letter to my ex, saying how sorry I am and that I want him back, when I accidentally found you letter. The moment I have read it, I realised, that the only thing making me write my letter is his silent treatment and his story that he has moved on. I suddenly feel free – or like you wrote it, strong. I am proud of my accomplishments and he has done nothing, not even finish college. He is wasting his time hanging out with his irresponsible friends and he is not thinking about the future. He lacks general knowledge and he is lazy. He took me for granted and made me feel unimportant and unwanted. Although I still believe he is good-hearted, I now think I am better off without him. Sometimes a person is just not for you and it takes time to recognize it. Your letter made me recognize it. I am finally free. I am finally breathing again. Thank you so much! You deserve somebody who respects you, and not to be with you to satisfy his need to feel superior.
    Take care,


    • Noelle 5 years ago

      Dear Nina,

      Thank you so much for your response. I’m glad my letter helped you let go of your boyfriend. You deserve someone better too- you shouldn’t be with someone who makes you feel bad about yourself or your accomplishments. I hope we both find better guys the next time around.

      Take care,


  2. Nadine Lumley 4 years ago

    you dum dum, when he said that neg about getting implants, he was just testing / teasing you to see if you were secure or insecure. You basically shouted in the streets how insecure you are instead of putting him in his place. YOu need a dating coach bad or your life will be very hard.

    Time Tested Rules

    The book is packed with what Sex and the City fans might call Charlotte-isms: “Don’t call him”; “Don’t ask him out”; “Wear your hair long.”

    Oprah Winfrey calls the guide “a movement” and its followers, known as ‘rules girls,’ are legion. The Rules is available in 27 languages, and together with a sequel, The Rules II, and The Rules for Marriage, has sold three million copies.

    The philosophy has spawned a sub-genre of “tough love” dating guides, including He’s Just Not That into You. The Rules has reached a fourth generation. Beyoncé Knowles, who celebrates her third wedding anniversary this month, is a fan. Kate Middleton’s Rules-like behaviour also got William to put a ring on it.

    Being famous doesn’t get in the way of dating…it makes it alarmingly easy…in a way it’s boring. I quite like the chase.
    — actor HUGH GRANT
    (Talk Magazine)

    Ellen Fein: Men and women are just so different biologically. I was shocked when I found out about the Rules. I mean, I went to college, I’m smart.

    A woman can grow to love someone, but a guy can’t.

    For a man, it’s yes or no.

    Men will look at a group of women and know instantly who they like and who they don’t. That’s a shocker. Men really like a girl who doesn’t like them so much in the beginning. They like a chase.

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