Not one day goes by that I wish I had pleaded with you not to leave on that cold, rainy morning, October 3, 2013. I’ll always remember the song that was playing, Explosions in the Sky’s “The Only Moment We Were Alone”. It’s a beautiful song, but now every time I hear it, I think of that morning in my little pickup when you told me that you wanted to break it off. And I let you, since I felt a bit of relief. But as time went on, all I did was miss you more, miss your warm body next to mine in bed, your musk, those beautiful eyes of yours and your sexual prowess.
Being in such proximity in so many aspects of our lives didn’t help speed up the healing process. Being neighbors, working for your dad and sharing a close-knit group of friends for over 7 years didn’t exactly provide for a clean break. We salted to the wound with occasional sex, and trying to remain “friends”. Even after I moved across town, we still maintained contact and that did not ease my heartache. I had to cut you off in order to begin healing, despite knowing that you wanted to remain friends. There was no I could do it. The thought of you dating other people filled me with unattractive, negative emotions and I had to cut you off before I did something stupid. It’s been 42 days since I said we should have no contact and while I feel somewhat better and less manic, I still miss you like crazy. Trying to be “friends” while still telling each other “I love you” and sharing kisses every time we’d see each other isn’t what most platonic friends do.
It’s insane to think that we still remained fairly close even after we split up and after I moved across town. Most people cut it off from each other, a clean break, but we both kept clinging to the trees of the forest fire, and I acknowledge that I was the leader of that pack. It took 14 months for me to finally enact “no-contact”, because I knew that I couldn’t do it. Seeing you every time we’d meet up was wonderful, but seeing you leave again killed me inside. I’d get high from the touch of your lips, the feeling of your body against mine in a warm, loving embrace, and the smell of your pheromone-laced aroma of your natural musk. But then I’d leave and remember, that you were not my girl. I couldn’t do it anymore.
And I should have not let you grab your stuff and move out the week after you told me it was over. I should have booted our roommate out so that we could have our privacy again. I should have put more faith in you to succeed and encouraged you rather than share my crippling fear of going broke if she moved out. Now that you’re out and that your business is blossoming, I now understand why you left. You needed her out of your life and since I was unwilling to kick her out, that meant leaving me too. I get it and I am so sorry Kristi. Not a day goes by that I wish I had encouraged you in growing your business and shared optimism. Instead, I let fear and pessimism lay a blanket over our lives and you knew that you couldn’t grow with that in yours, so you left. I completely understand now.
But that’s not all…you were right about so many things. I was never too serious about telling you that I wanted children whenever you’d ask me, and I remember saying absolutely not many times, then after the breakup saying that I’d want them when we were ready and more financially stable. I remember that day a few months prior to you leaving when I said I didn’t want children and how heartbroken you were. Goddamn was I an asshole. I did want a child with you, but at that time, we did not have the means to raise a kid. But I did want one in the long run, and I was not vocal about it and I’m sorry. My communication skills were just plain awful and I acknowledge that shortcoming. It took your departure from my life to realize that I need to improve that aspect of myself, and I have been working on it. I guess some of us just have to learn the hard way.
I wish I’d not been a coward and stuck in my stubborn anti-conformist, adolescent. punk rock ways and put a ring on your finger. Not a day goes by that I wish I hadn’t married you and that you would forever be a part of my life. I left you dragging for years, not even a proposal and you still stuck around. I am so sorry Kristi. I shouldn’t have been a coward and I should’ve taken that step so that you could be at my side during this lifetime. But you did leave, and I can’t live in the past anymore. All I can do is pick myself up off the ground and learn from my mistakes.
But I’m not just sorry that I led you on to the fact that i was going to marry you without the proposal or about having a kid or about that shitty roommate that we had who symbolized a cracking in the ties that bound our loving relationship. I’m sorry for leaving you aside so many times, as you had pointed out during our final conversation. You were right. I didn’t flaunt you out like I should have, but i did love you. I just sucked at that. I didn’t show off my badass, beautiful, superwoman to my friends and family like I should have. I’m sorry for not calling you for days on end whenever I was on tour with the band. You were right when you said that I left you on the wayside so many times. I did, and I wish I hadn’t. To say I didn’t love you would be a lie, and I let my own anxiety take control and forget how to express my love to you. I am truly sorry for that, honey and I have learned the hard way from making those mistakes.
I’m sorry for not charing my emotions, dreams and goals with you like I should have. I’m sorry for allowing my childish fears of the unknown bring you down. I’m sorry for getting on your shit so much about money. I’m sorry for all the hurtful things I had said to you in fits of rage. I know that you’d tell me not to be sorry, but I truly am for so many of the negative behaviors I exhibited towards you near the end of our relationship and during this roller coaster of a breakup. I just always thought you’d be my girl forever, but I acknowledge that I did not step up to the plate and officially tie the knot. I can’t tell you how much I wish I would have done that.
And I’m sorry for never dancing with you. I know I let my elitist musician ways refuse to dance, and not even fucking tried to have one dance with you. It’s something you love and I’ll never if I would’ve had fun with you but I wish I had danced with you so I would at least have known. If I ever get the chance to dance with you again, you can bet your ass I’ll be taking your hand, happily showing off the most horrible white guy dance moves you’d ever seen, gladly shaking off any punk-rock cool guy shame I was scared of.
I acknowledge my failures in our relationship, and I am doing more to improve my life and love myself more, because I am a pretty awesome person. You were right when you told me that I didn’t love myself enough and that it reflected in all other aspects of my life. And I understand why you left. Cutting off all contact and finally beginning to break my post-breakup addiction to you has led to some great self-reflection. Acknowledging my mistakes has not been easy, but life is unpredictable, and I am coming to terms in accepting that and to just breathe and go with the flow.
I love you Kristi, and I always will. But I know that I have to move on and look forward. I just wanted to acknowledge that I finally understand why you left me. I wish you, your family and your business well and hope for nothing but the best for you.