N,

I’m really not sure what I’m doing or even if I’m doing it right, and I always cared so much about what you thought of me even though I shouldn’t have, so even though you’re never going to read this I want it to be okay. It’s just sometimes you used to look at me like I was worthy of something, and it’s never that I thought I wasn’t good enough for you or that you had unrealistic expectations of me, but rather I could never grasp the concept that the person you thought of as exceptional was the me I am today. Or I was anyway, because if it was the present me I wouldn’t be writing this letter, because I wouldn’t still be thinking about you as often as I do.

I don’t know whether to be sorry for what happened or not. I think one of the reasons I need to write this down is to get rid of the guilt, because even if I ought to be sorry you’ll never get to hear or see my apology. I saw yours, though you didn’t expect me to. I don’t know if I should believe it or not. The things she said to me before still keep me up at night, and it’s not even the cruel things she said about you, but the things she said about me. I think I’m still a little stupid really. But the point is, I do feel sorry about the things that followed you after we happened. Whether you deserved it or not…I don’t know. I don’t know if you even hurt half as much as you say you do, but I feel like if I know you even a little, I want to believe you’re still a decent person, and you wouldn’t lie about this. But I don’t really know much about anything, except for some reason I still miss you like hell.

I keep thinking back to that week and how it was possibly one of the most nerve-racking yet memorable weeks of my life so far. I don’t think I’ll forget the things you said to me, and I don’t think I’ll ever not wonder what would have happened if I’d been a little braver. You always told me that’s what I needed to do. I needed to be braver, and in the end I crumbled. I’m still trying to pick myself back up despite how long it’s been. Sometimes I wonder if you still think about me, or if I still hurt you, and I think maybe, some selfish part of me wishes that was the case. But I’m letting that part go. I decided I need to forget about you completely. I’ve tried so many times to let you go and it’s not worked out; all I’ve done is hurt other people. Honestly if you saw me now… I don’t know. I just hope you’re okay, or as okay as you seem.

It’s weird missing you though. Because before when I missed you, it didn’t feel like you weren’t there. You were always there in one way or another, and now it feels like losing a limb or forgetting how to ride a bike, because sometimes I want to share a song with you or how I feel about something, or I want to hear your voice or chat with you in the middle of the night when nobody else will pick up, and those who will don’t understand or can’t give me the reality check I need, and I remember I lost all that. I think if you were here you’d tell me to grow up, and I think that maybe all I need is you here. Other than my best friend (new best friend, because someone had to fill that space too), you’re the hardest person I’ve had to lose in my life.

You know sometimes I wouldn’t even know what to say to you, because you’d smile at me like I held all the answers to everything and you’d look at me and you wouldn’t say anything and when I asked you what it was you’d just shrug and I never appreciated how it felt to be loved. I’m done with wondering if that feeling was true, because it was to me. I felt loved and I loved you and I never said that, but I think maybe you knew. I think I knew how you felt too, but I guess dwelling on that solves nothing.

I could never really hate you for any of this.. Whatever went wrong was my fault just as much as yours. And I never believed you could ever do anything wrong, not ever. You were careless, and sometimes immature and you were arrogant around other people and you had faults sure, but they were just childish things and they made me smile because it was so amusing to watch you like that. You never really frustrated me with any of that, and I guess you toned it down and I perhaps really did change you in some respects. I just hope you treat whoever’s around the corner how you treated me, because I think everyone deserves to feel like they’re wanted in the way I felt with you. And I look back and I think – oh god – because mostly I just want what I always wanted with you, which is to hold you in my arms and to kiss you and to run my fingers through your hair and to remember the cologne you use and I had that for a marginal window and ever since having it I miss it more than I thought was possible. I don’t think anyone since has ever made me so excited about life, or so optimistic, and now I’m not waiting to see you or waiting for you to call I don’t know what to do.

This is sounding pathetic. I guess maybe it’s better out than in, though. It’s just I can never go back there. You know that, right? Because neither of us will ever go back there. I’m mostly sorry for that. I think you’re the sort of person who can build themselves up again easily. I’ve seen you low and weak. I’ve seen you crying and it felt horrible to watch and know I couldn’t be there, so however bad you feel now as a result of me is something you can combat. But losing something so close to you like that…. it was never my intention. I never wanted that for you, or for us, and it was out of my control. Please don’t blame me for that.

I was going to tell you I loved you, by the way. I had it planned out for next time we met. I know it was months away, but I couldn’t tell you if it wasn’t face to face. Sort of like how you wanted to tell me in the summer, but I forced it out of you before then. I guess you knew. I hope you knew.

I hope you know I’m going to be okay. Eventually I’m going to be okay, because I’m always okay in the end. It’s just sometimes I have days where all I can think about is what I lost and how much I want to cry and how I would do anything to go back to what we had. It’s controlled slightly by knowing that we can never have it now, not after all this. But I think I miss missing you sometimes, and I miss that week, and I miss the many months before then, and oh god I miss your stupid voice. But I won’t want you back one day. The goal is to be able to look at this letter one day and be embarrassed, because then I’ll know I’m okay. I think it’s hard to remember I’ll be okay when I have other reasons to not be, and I get so frustrated when I think of you now because I think I should be over you. But I think it’s the panic attacks that bring up your face, because I know the best way to lose myself in everything is through you. I don’t know. It’s just today. Today I’m not so good. But I’ll be okay. Tomorrow I’ll be braver.

I sort of want to thank you for this last year…or at least until everything went wrong. All I wanted for my birthday last week was a message from you, but I knew it wouldn’t come because you promised not to ever contact me again, and I think I respect that you kept that promise more than anything else. I think if you had done, I’d be worse. So I’d like to thank you for that. You’ve kept your distance and it’s been through that I will be able to keep mine. I guess also thank you for opening my eyes. Thank you for showing me the importance of being careful. Because that’s the one thing we weren’t. And thank you for making me happy. I hope you have happiness in your future, wherever you are. But in return, please don’t ever put any person through what we went through. Please be careful.

All my love, so that I can start anew.

T