To you or me?

Some days I wake up and I feel like I’m over it, other days I wake up either hating you, or missing you. I guess its just a process that only time will help. The anger is the emotion that changes and is emotionally draining. Its just a process… some moments I’m angry at you because I can’t believe you could be so selfish and heartless to hurt me at a time in my life when I needed you the most. You cheated on me on the day i buried my brother who was like one of my bestfriends. He died unexpectanly and so young..i am usually a strong woman, but that experience shook my very foundation. The one time in my life that i welcomed, the feeling of weakness, the vulnerabilty. You were so close to my brother and I understand you were feeling hurt too, but the fact that you could have no regard for me, my family, our family, only be driven by selfishness and poor judgement…So yes there are the times that I’m angry at myself for loving a man who could be so weak and fucked up to allow opportunity to trump loyalty and integrity.

When the smoke clears and I look at things for what they truly are..Fact-you cheated. Fact you chose to stay in a relationship with me and to express undying love, and devotion when you weren’t completely sure of what you wanted or you just simply were unhappy instead of being open & honest about your insecurities and just leaving. What does this say about your character..that in itself is a scary reality that I have to face?

Am I fair to conclude that you are a selfish, shitty, dishonest person? You want me to forgive you, expect to believe you because you are crying and begging that you will never do it again, that you are sincerely and truly sorry? Fact- This is the same reaction you displayed the first time that you cheated and I forgave you. To add to insult to injury you want to come clean and admit to multiple affairs, and how this has been an eye/ heart opening experience. No more lies, no more cheating, you are such a changed man, who is so deserving of a second(3rd but whose counting) chance. I’m so damn disappointed because as much as I love you and want to believe you, I just cannot. You chose this for us, we were supposed to be in this forever together, married this year. The fact that you have the audacity to expect me to lower my standards, dismiss my beliefs and morals to accept this type of behavior from anyone including YOU is what shows me that you truly are NOT deserving of me. If you truly loved me, you would admit that I really do deserve someone who appreciates and values my worth. this of course is a revelation that sincere person would admit.

You are begging for another shot at forever but the irony is that you changed the plans. I really have no say so in this except to choose to forgive & forget but you that continuing a relationship after all that you have done is truly a lot for you to expect, and its really asking a lot from me, yet you still do? Is this an act of faith or further selfishness on your part?

You really have more faith in me, and this relationship than possible while I justifiably have no more faith in you or ANY future relationship at the moment.

My life has been turned upside down, I have to learn to get over it, be strong, allow myself not become bitter and wait for my Mr. Right or believe that love conquers all and Mr. Right could be you(sarcasm here).. I have to go through the process of getting over it and learn to trust another again or trust you again (more sarcasm).. I get it, life is not fair, shit happens.. But damn why can’t people just be honest. If your heart isn’t in it just say it! If you would have simply said, I’m not sure how I’m feeling about our future/relationship and I find myself becoming attracted to other women… Well damn, I honestly can’t see how I could not respect you after that. Would it hurt like hell, yes..but I truly believe this process would be different. I would not have to go through feeling guilty for allowing myself to be deceived or questioning my judgment, or for simply falling for a weak, selfish, dishonest, immoral man. It sucks that I have to look at you in such a different light, the worst part is that I have absolutely no respect for you, I don’t see you as this strong protector.. You never had to be perfect, we are bothed flawed. This different, you just aren’t the man I thought you were, so while my heart wants to forget this all happened and move forward and forgive you, I without a doubt cannot. Accepting this would go against everything that a I believe in as a a human being, against everything I have taught my daughters, every bit of advice I have ever given a heartbroken friend. I will eventually forgive you, because that is the right thing to do for BOTH of us..but until then

I have to go through the process of working through trust issues, and then there’s still the BS of wondering if you are seeing someone and of course not technically being allowed to care because we aren’t together so you are allowed to move on. All of the confusing emotions, the hurt, the blaming, the crying, the moments of unwavering confidence that it will all be OK…. Yes break ups are emotional, exhausting, and can change you for the better or worst. I will hate that some days I still love you even after you hurt me so badly but In the end I know it just takes time and eventually I will be OK, but right now I’m just so totally over the fucking process!

Sincerely,

Processing