Dear Ray,

I’ve fought with myself over whether or not I should write this and give it to you for a very long time; but I’ve decided that I need to. I am aware this is avery long letter with a lot of information in it, so I hope you will read the entire thing. I’m seriously confused by you, and I need you to do me a solid and clarify some things. Before I begin, I write this with the thought in the back of my mind that your mom may read this, as she did the last. With this said I will do my best not to paint a negative image, however it will be difficult because it is not necessarily a pretty picture. I would also like to say that my intention is not to make you mad, so before you read this please keep that in the forefront of your mind. There are four things I need to tell you in this letter and three things I need and or want from you.

The first thing I need to tell you is this; I am confused and upset about the difference between what you have told me to my face and what you actually do. For example, you have told me that you broke up with me solely because Lea was pregnant and you were the father of her child. I understand that you felt responsibility to help her through the pregnancy, which is honorable. However what I don’t understand is what you said next. When you left me you said it was because you needed to “be single right now.”  It was not only because Lea was pregnant, but was also because Lea would be really mad at you, madder than she already was, if you had another girlfriend other than her. Literally that same week you got in a relationship with her and you stayed in a relationship with her even after the miscarriage. So I can only assume you weren’t being completely honest with me about the reason we broke up. Maybe Lea’s pregnancy was part of it but obviously not all of it. My question for you is did Lea control you, or did you make your own life decisions? I just don’t understand why you couldn’t tell me the complete truth of why you broke up with me.

The second thing that hurts me is that I realize you did not treat me very well in the beginning, or at the end of the relationship. You are right, though, about one thing, and I give you props for it. You were good to me while we were actually together. But all the shit you did beforehand and afterwards makes your behavior rather dishonorable (for lack of a better word.) You remember how Ellen said that you’re the one who’s going to screw this up and have it end badly? She was right in a sense. You couldn’t have started it or ended it in a worse way. At the beginning of our relationship I had no idea that you were sleeping with Lea while you and I were also sleeping with each other and casually dating. The only way I found out was because Elyn found out and basically forced you to tell me the truth (or she would.)  In fact she even called my work to talk to me about you and Lea and how touchy feely you were both being one evening. That’s what made you break off your connection with Lea. I don’t think you realize how bad your treatment of me actually was. You were fooling around with two different girls at the same time, not being fully honest with either until the truth was about to come out. I felt like you didn’t actually like me once I found that out, and to this day it still hurts that you played around with her and didn’t tell me. 

At the end of our relationship, you left me for her and you lied to my face about it, like I previously explained. I want to know why you thought it was okay to do that? Maybe you were trying to let me down easy because you didn’t want to hurt me or maybe you think there’s nothing wrong with a little white lie. Whatever it was, I just don’t understand what I did to warrant that kind of treatment. We were honest with each other in the relationship, and that’s all I ever wanted. I wanted you to respect me enough to tell me the truth.

The third thing is about treating people with respect. At least you gave me a consistent answer about what you do want from me, however it is still confusing. I realize we have talked  twice before about getting back together, however I am still confused. Maybe you don’t know what you want, but this is what I am hearing from you. The first time you and I both said that we still had feelings for each other, and you said you would be open to getting back together in the future. You followed it up by saying that you didn’t want to rush back into anything and have it end. I understood that, and I still understand that you are not ready for something long term. I left it with the thought that you were actually considering that. The second time I asked you, you were open to it still, but asked why you had to decide right then. I’m not saying you have to make a decision right this very second, but I am saying that you have to be honest with me. I’ll tell you what I want and how I see it, because I don’t really think I have, but in return I want an honest answer from you. I promise if its truthful, I will be ok with it.

The fourth thing is: I want to be with you. I don’t want to be with any other guy. I don’t want to go out and look for someone. I mean neither of us were looking for each other when we met, we met through friends at a shared activity we both like. Every time you bring up wanting another girl, all that it makes me think is why are you saying this in front of me? I think I’m a good catch, and I don’t understand why you can’t see that. Maybe you don’t know how I feel, which I can’t blame you for not knowing. However I am telling you now how I feel. I still love you, I’m not just sexually attracted to you, I love your personality and your sense of humor, how you are when your with your friends and your family, your strong work ethic and how you make me feel on most days. I know that I never told you any of that when we were together, but that was only because I didn’t want to rush anything and then have you reject me. I just don’t understand why you would want to not give us an actual chance? I mean the first time our relationship got interrupted prematurely by a negative situation. We were good together, and we had a lot of good times together. I believe we were both attracted to each other, or at least I know I was attracted to you. You got along with my family, and friends. I got along well with yours. We have stuff in common and a big pool of mutual friends. The chemistry was there, and I still think it is. In the long term we have mainly similar views, we both trusted each other. I mean not much has really changed since then, except the sexual/ romantic part of things. My point is we could still be good together. I know you talk about wanting to find someone, and I don’t understand why you have to look when you have someone great in your life already that wants to be with you, and who you get along with and who you can trust. I know you said you don’t believe in platonic friendships, and I agree there is some truth to that; which in my opinion means that its too hard to be just friends with you. If you don’t feel the same way then I need some time to get over you. However if you do still have feelings for me I need/ want to know that too.

I need to know what you are really saying? If not deciding whether or not to be with me is your way of letting me down easy, then that’s fine, but just tell me. If that is your way of saying (without actually literally saying) that you see me as solely a back-up plan, then that’s fine, just tell me. By the way, this is a totally different subject but I’m not going to be anybody’s back-up plan. If you don’t know what you want, then that’s also okay, just tell me. Or if you actually can see us getting back together in the future, then that’s okay too, just tell me. All I ever wanted is your honesty. I’m actually not mad and I won’t be if you tell me now what you’re thinking/feeling; it’s just not fair to me to be lead on by you if you’re never going to come back around.

There are three things that I want from you. The first is please stop talking about liking other girls or looking for other girls in front of me, even if we are just friends for now. It just hurts way too much right now (more than you know) because I still like you, and I still want to be with you. There is one person you need to stop mentioning in particular because I know who she is. I’m not stupid; so just please don’t mention it around me anymore. If you can’t stop doing this, then it will be very obvious that you don’t care about me as a person, let alone as a friend, or someone you may be interested in. Friends don’t rub salt into their friends wounds.

The second thing I need I still want to believe that you care about me, in some capacity, and that’s why I need to ask you for one thing. I want and I need you to apologize, for two timing me (you can claim we weren’t technically together all you want, but that doesn’t really matter, it was still a really, really, really shitty thing for you to do and you know it). I also need you to apologize for ending it the way you did and ultimately for all the lies you told me. The last thing I need is for you to answer the question, are you just leading me on ( keeping me as a potential backup plan) or do you actually still have any feelings for me in some shape or form because you can’t have your cake and eat it too?

There are a few things that I am also upset about, that I have not included in this letter, and someday I would still like to talk about them. It would be really great if you are open to hearing all I have to say. However for now I believe the things I’ve brought up are enough to handle. I think you need some time so that you can think about what you really want. You can think about if you think it’s a good idea to still lead me on, or if you actually still care about me, because you can’t do both at the same time. You can think about what it could be like with me, or without me. I still want to be in your life, but not if it means that you think you can lead me on, because I think you will agree that I deserve better from you. I’ve been honest with you, so now you need to be honest with me. One final thing, I still won’t lash out at you, or make your life more difficult at contra or anything, but just know how hurt I feel as I write this. I hope you can help me understand, or at the very least apologize and help me fix it.

Love,

Rachel

P.S. I was serious about that apology, so if you are capable that would be very nice of you. Also I was serious about those two other requests. Hopefully you and I can work through this, because I don’t want to throw away a good relationship if I don’t have to.