Hello, it is me you’re looking for…

Hello, it is me you’re looking for…

Hello, it is me you’re looking for…

Hello. These are the five letters in sequence which I could have written to you in the depths of unconsciousness and now, they feel so odd. So out of place.

Hello. I don’t quite know where to start. I hope you are doing well, and I wish every day that you are fine. That you have forgotten the pain I caused you, and that you have forgiven me for ending our relationship and breaking your heart.

Hello. We have known each other for ten years and are now strangers. When we first met, all those summers ago by the lake, we both knew. All it took was a year of the most intense, passionate and unsustainable love for me to choose to disappear. It was really beautiful, and I thank you for all of the good memories you have given me.

Hello. I know you still do not understand the reasons why I ended it. You were so in love with the idea of being with me that somewhere along the way you got lost and I felt as though you simply stopped trying. You didn’t notice that I was unhappy. I was stressed all the time, because our lives had changed. I know that was a lot for you to suddenly deal with, but your lack of knowing how to support someone pushed me away.

Hello. We began our relationship as one teenager and one adult. I was forced to adapt into an adult lifestyle, leaving as a mature adult for all intents and purposes and you remained – a child. I had responsibilities, whereas you had me. Making me your priority in life and having nothing else broke my heart. I couldn’t bear to watch you in pain due to my “selfish” life – too busy with my studies and career and social life and family, and you having nothing. You were the designer of your own misfortune. A family you judged because of your own pride and no friends at all, because why spend time with them when all you would do was contact me? Your family are wonderful and your friends are lovely people. I tried to build bridges between all of us this summer in an effort to install a support network for you, but you were an unwilling engineer in my architectural masterplan.

Hello. It is with great sadness I write this letter, as it forces me to simultaneously revisit the life we had created together and relent. I am mentally the healthiest I have ever been, and for that I thank you. I have self confidence, a true understanding and appreciation of my self worth, and I have embraced independence. It pains me, knowing you will never realise this and if you do see how strong I have become, you will inevitably remark that I have “changed” with disdain.

Hello. I hope you embrace your family more often. They are kind, and would do everything for you – as evidenced during our time together. I am saddened to know that I will not have them in my life any more but I know that it is what’s appropriate. I wish them all good health and happiness.

Hello. I have thought about reaching out to you every day, to see how you are, and to show you I care. But I, too, have been in your position and I know that it would do more harm than good. Thank you for all of the flowers you have sent me, and thank you for stopping. Knowing the approximate prices you must have paid for them hung over my head like a storm cloud of guilt which weighed down on me whenever I looked at them.

Hello. I know you think me heartless, and that I do not care and I am off partying all the time. I care more than you know, but I have accepted our fate and have moved on. At times, I almost hated myself for how easy it was for me to let go, and how much it must hurt for you to see that. For this reason, I cut off contact so as not to cause you any unnecessary pain. I know you are now a reluctant spectator of my life, writing with scorn to others about how I socialise and immerse myself with the people I love, to make up for the lost time. I do not blame you for my being a bad friend to these people in the past, I only hope you don’t continue to perpetuate those bad habits with your remaining friends.

Hello. There is nothing more that I would like than for you to fall in love. I want you to feel that intensity, and have it reciprocated back to you eternally. You are so deserving of love, and I hope to one day hear of your successful personal life and feel a warmth as a true friend. I still dream of your future, filled with travelling and creating a family and happiness. The only thing that has changed about my wishes for you is that I no longer envision myself by your side but as an onlooker.

Hello. I so desperately want to write to you and tell you all of these things, but I know you are still not ready. I have caused trauma to your heart, and within your mind I am both good and evil. The fact is I cannot contact you and vocalise my feelings for you as you still believe that you could convince me to rethink my decisions.. When you beg me to do something I can’t do I feel a sensation I wouldn’t wish on my enemies. If I could erase myself from your mind, I would do everything to free you of your pain. You must learn to let me go, I have given you the tools, I hope you one day use them.

Hello. Please know that I look back on our time together fondly. But do not misconstrue that as if I am looking back with longing, because the truth is, I do not yearn for you as you do me. I blame myself for falling out of love with you as I did.  I flew halfway around the world on a whim to be with you because you didn’t give me a hug goodbye for that year – I loved you more deeply than my wounded heart ever thought possible. I’m sorry I couldn’t make myself love you again. I would never do so deliberately to hurt you. I never wanted to cause you pain.

Hello. I fear I will only ever be able to greet you this way again once such time has passed that you have accepted that this means goodbye.


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