My Sunshine, Waqar…
I think that we both have apologies to make to each other. There are times where we both should have done things differently to keep each other happy and to keep our relationship as strong as it had first started out.
I became clingy and started expecting too much from you, I forgot how to be generous towards you, return favours and prove to you that I care for you through my actions so I came across as selfish. And I take responsibility for myself. I also know that sometimes saying ‘sorry’ on it’s own isn’t enough.
I blocked you out of hurt, anger and not being able to come to terms with our break up without thinking about my actions. I tried to occupy myself to take my mind away from us breaking up but I ended up making the wrong decision and causing an argument between the one person that I had connected so well with. I thought I would find a new connection by rebounding, but I realise now that you are the one guy that I shared the most special moments with and who had the best intentions for me, who respected me. I also take the responsibility for seeking out people who aren’t right for me even before I met you.
I wasn’t physically there for you at a time when you needed me the most. That was my opportunity to look out for you and take care of you. I was your girlfriend and of all people I should have been there to visit you when you were in bad shape. It should have been my duty to take care of you and remember to look out for you in the best way that I could. I feel guilty that I wasn’t by your side, I should have went out of my way to keep you company in person. Even if you pushed me away or I felt like I was going to be a burden. I should have thought about what would be the best option for somebody that I really care about.
I messed up big time, over thinking and letting my doubts and the feeling that our relationship was going down hill lead me into the wrong situations. I have known you for almost a year and I should have known better than to allow myself to become involved in situations that could hurt you or ruin our relationship and the good times we had together. And the fact that you gave me a second chance, I could see that you cared enough to look past those mistakes.
Sometimes due to my own difficulties I can make mistakes socially or not understand why or how I should meet somebody else’s needs. It’s difficult being autistic to understand and comprehend relationships. I do want one but I don’t always know how to handle one once it’s there.
When we first started dating, you were almost always trying your best to keep me happy, we would text every day and you would take me to all of my favourite places, you even spent time to look for China Town with me. I loved the way you would raise your eyebrows when you saw me and all those little quirks that you had, that I would sometimes make fun of but really appreciated because they all made up the Waqar that I knew and loved to spend time with. Most of the moments we have spent together have been the happiest days of my life. And I know that I have taken you for granted and my issues with trusting others had put a strain on you, on both of us, I’m sorry if I played a part in things starting to go downhill. You gave the best kisses and hugs too, I remember although it wasn’t my first, being too shy to kiss you. I am glad that I could be your first, I hope you don’t regret everything about me. And you gave me useful advice that has helped me so much in the past. Thank you.
But I do still feel the same way about our break up. However I am taking responsibility and acknowledging what I have done if I have hurt you or made you angry with me.
You have taught me to never give up on myself and to never take the little things for granted. Despite where I have slipped up you were the one person who brought out the best in me.
And I admit I wasn’t the best me.
Those pictures we took together, the memories that we captured, are worth a thousand words, and I keep them safe everyday. I still have most of those pictures to remind me of the good I saw in you, I do really value what we had it was worth having all these experiences with you but maybe we jumped into all of this too quickly, we still have so much of our lives ahead of us and so much to learn about love. And we both make mistakes, we both could have done better to suit our own needs and be there for each other.
I remember when we had our own special song, JP – Sunshine, and almost every time we were together the sun would always shine brightly. One of the best days that I spent with you, felt like a dream, we lay together underneath the London Eye, the atmosphere was so lively and upbeat, you caught a boy dancing on the grass on your phone and we laughed about it, the sun was shining and we lay together underneath a beautiful blue sky, I felt like I could live in that moment with you forever. I wish I could. But time passes and as humans we are so prone to making errors and mistakes.
We went to the embankment arcade, I had a sniffly nose and a headache but I still was willing to go on the rollercoaster simulator with you and I told you how much I really wanted to try it out. We held on to each other the entire time and laughed – I had so much fun!
Then we went for pizza and you brought me hot chocolate – Yummy and I kept trying to used brown sugar to sprinkle a on heart shape on the froth, just like how they put a heart on lattes as a little design.
On the way back you showed me some magic tricks on our bus home, you made this wrist band you always wore float in mid air and you knew what card I was thinking of and you picked it out without touching it!
Then that wristband, you gave it to me, I still remember the words that were on it, or atleast the meaning behind them, important words, and that is why it was the most valuable thing to you and for awhile I wore it everyday and took care of it but I know after a while I let you down and that was something that was special For you to give up and share with me.
You once were the light in my life that brightened up each day. I wish I could hear your name and see your face and smile again. Feel those butterflies. It’s hard to watch us become any less than strangers and regret all the mistakes when we shared so many memories together. I will see you at college a few times, at the bus stop, buying lunch, waiting for lessons or walking past the salon but we will only be spending a few more years there, you on car mechanics and me on hair and beauty. It could be for the best. I have messed up, I was mad with how you broke up with me, but it’s tough watching us go our own separate ways.