To the guy who took my virginity

To the guy who took my virginity

To the guy who took my virginity
Posted by in I wish you well, My awesome new life, What I wish I'd told you
1 Comment
Dear Cameron,
You’ve probably forgotten me by now or wish you would never hear from me ever again. Maybe you’re in a happy relationship now or still in search of the right person. Oh wait, that sounds so cheesy in this day and age. Something casual, that’s what people want. I know, not everyone is unrealistic like me. Anyway, why would I care about how cheesy it is while writing you a letter is cheesy itself?!

Honestly, I thought about whether sending you this letter was a good idea or not. I cut off contact with you, you thought I was annoying when we started talking again, I was passive-aggressively mocking you then you stopped talking to me. The whole thing was ridiculous. But then I figured if I had the nerve to give my professor a cheesy letter in person, I guess sending you a letter wouldn’t be that big of a deal. But this time is different. I’m not a wide-eyed and naive 18 year-old girl anymore, I’m in my twenties just like you! And not a virgin ;). And there was something between us.
You hurt me, you really did. And I’m not trying to make you feel guilty. This is just a fact. Keep in mind that I’m writing this when I’m completely content. Maybe saying I’m not pining over you would do nothing but make you think I am. Well, I’m not. But you’ll be remembered for sure. And perhaps soon I’ll just be nothing but the girl you met online who gave you her v-card, your summer fling. But to me you’ll always be that guy who took a lot of first times from me. I’m not saying you mean a lot to me. But I can’t deny that after what happened between us, I’d never be the same person I was before. Ok I think I’m making it sound like we have a lot of memories together, which we don’t. Come on, let’s face it, we had like 2 dates and hooked up a few times. But you know what, you made me experience things that I had never experienced before I met you.
I never had a decent makeout session with anyone before you.
Before you, I didn’t know what it’s like to have someone else get you off.
Before you, I never had to shed a tear because of a guy.
And most importantly, I had never been through a heartbreak before you and it made me a stronger person. You helped me have more realistic expectations in dating and guys. I must admit I was more into my idea of you, not the real you. Or maybe because you were my first. You made me realize I shouldn’t put out too soon with a guy if I want the real thing. You made me realize long-distance relationships would hardly ever work. You helped me grow by being the reason I cried myself to sleep for the first time. So thank you!
I wouldn’t say I hate you because some deep place in me still values the months of friendship you gave me. And the long online talks we had. The few dates we went on. The reality is that I gave you a part of me and if I hate you, I’d also be hating myself.
You probably wonder why I wrote you this letter. Well, nothing much. It’s just that a few months from now, we might not be in the same part of the country anymore. I got a job offer at a resort in BC and I’ll be moving there as soon as I finish school. So yeah, I’m so happy that I can finally get out of Toronto. I always wanted to go out West. But I know I’m gonna miss Ontario, there are a lot of memories here and you are one of them. Remember the time I said I wished you the best at the end of our last phone call (on the night I successfully catfished you)? I didn’t mean it. I wanted you to regret losing a girl like me and feel guilty for hurting an innocent girl. I actually wished you the worst. But this time, I wish you the best. And I really mean it.
-Amanda.

1 Comment

  1. Natalie 6 years ago
    Reply

    I think his cousin must have been my “first” . . . . he was a nice guy, perhaps a somewhat more traditional method of meeting him (first-week college party), a couple of dates, and well, he went for it and I let him. I think his cousin must have been my “first” . . . . he was a nice guy, perhaps a somewhat more traditional method of meeting him (first-week college party), a couple of dates, and well, he went for it and I let him. Almost like watching a movie of me losing my virginity — I knew it wasn’t anything close to true love, but it was like I had no power to stop the film from running. I kept saying “stop, stop” over and over again — not to him, but to myself. But myself wasn’t listening. We hooked up a few more times, then it was over as if it never really happened, except it did. I guess hot Mr. Senior knew exactly all the buttons to push, and no doubt I wasn’t the first newly arrived freshman he had managed to take down that one-way path. A mere two weeks, and Mr. Senior had managed to get what my highschool boyfriend (who was still my boyfriend, but at a different college) wasn’t able to get for a year and a half — not even on prom night. No, it wasn’t really cheating, as we both had permission to date others, a hall pass if you wish, but I guess he never imagined I would do what I did; and honestly, neither did I.

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